Shadowhunters, Downworlders, and Mundanes: The Mortal Instruments series (2007 - present)

 . . . and I'm back.

It's been so long since I blogged, so long since I wrote anything, really, that I should probably do a little table setting.

Eff it. It's a blog, you guys.

Thanks to every movie studio and their brother looking for the next Twilight, I now rate all young adult fiction aimed at the fairer sex on the following scale: Twilight (the pits) to Hunger Games (top of the charts).

Better than Twilight?

That setup's a little facetious because, really, how could anything be worse than Twilight?

In answer to my own question, yes, it is better than Twilight.

Here's how:

We've sort of been down this road before, so you might guess the main reason I like these books -- young Clary Fray is a woman of action. I've got a soft spot for brave little toasters.

We meet her standing in line at an all-ages club with her obviously-crushing bff Simon. Clary notices a cute boy in line, then again in the club. She thinks nothing of it when the cutie heads off to the supply closet with a beautiful girl. But Clary's wise to the tattooed teens following the couple with knives and dispatches Simon to get the bouncer. Still, her curiosity gets the better of her, so Clary slips into the closet to spy . . . the tattooed teens and the beautiful girl teaming up to gut the cutie right then and there.

Soon she's discovered, but Clary bravely insists that the police are on the way and the kids are going down. Of course, it doesn't help that the dead cutie's body disappears. The trio bounces, and Clary's forced to make up a lie when the bouncer finally arrives. 

The next day, Clary responds to a distress call from her mom. When she gets home, her mom is gone, and the apartment is torn up. Clary barely has time to register the loss when she's attacked by a demon. She manages to fight it off and even kill it but not without suffering a grievous wound.

That's the first three chapters. Just imagine how much more incident author Cassandra Clare packs into entire 400 page novels.

Don't get me wrong -- following kids with knives into a darkened, enclosed space is dumb. Running home when your mom tells you not to because it's not safe is a bad idea. Clary's mind is a bad idea circus at which the Starks are sitting ringside.

But they're her ideas. She's fiercely loyal and believably teenage, full of rumbling passions and angry fits that have no real source or direction. She's brave and more than a little reckless, but it comes from a good place.

Being better than Bella isn't much of a challenge, naturally, so Clare goes one further: she experiments with other viewpoints to actual success. Yes, it can be done!

It starts out small in the first book - just a page or two from a couple of different characters. Clare grows in confidence and style as she builds her spellbinding world. By book three, City of Glass, there are whole sections from other POVs that neither directly involve Clary nor comment on her. Yes, other characters with desires, motivations, and actions of their very own! It's pretty cool, actually. (Mostly 'cause I love Alec and Magnus).

Better than Hunger Games?

The series isn't finished yet (the sixth and final book comes out next year), so it's a little early to tell. I've just finished book three and am taking advantage of its natural conclusion before getting swept up again. (If it were an old-school TV season, it's the March break before the back nine).

That said, it's hard to imagine anything could have the bone-crushing impact of Katniss' climactic decision in The Mockingjay. (Trying to stay as spoiler-free in this one as I can).

Best guess: probably not. The stakes are equally high, but Clare's world of demons, vampires, werewolves, fairies, warlocks, and the half-angel, half-humans who police them, while rich, drops you in medias res and never really gives you a sense of what or who these people were before their lives blew apart. Suzanne Collins', however, absolutely nails the soul-crushing despair of living in District 12, and the world building of Catching Fire lends real gravity to the world destroying of The Mockingjay. Plus, no human alive nails the chapter-ending cliffhanger as well as she does. The Hunger Games would make THE BEST tv series.

The Movie

If you're looking for the next Twilight, you've got to have the movie. The Vampire Diaries is a killer tv show (even after the uneven fourth season, I'm still hooked), Beautiful Creatures slipped in and out of theatres in the dead of winter unnoticed, and The Hunger Games is another beast entirely.

To be honest, I've got my doubts here, too.

Not that I'm not glad to see Magnus, but remember those two action items way, way up there in this post that made me fall in love with Clary? Well, it looks like they botched both of them. And let me tell you, it's pretty hard to come back from botching the heroine.

If Clary doesn't save herself from that demon (or die trying), just who will she be to me? Because the world doesn't need another damsel in distress. It needs a hundred woman warriors, then a thousand more, and a million more after that. We shouldn't settle for anything less.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

I put nearly every thought I ever had about the story on the table in Book vs. Film: Eclipse, so I've decided not to go for anything in the way of a review here but just collect my stray observations instead.

Stray observations:

• Xavier Samuel as Riley might be the hottest vampire we've seen in the series. It's not that the others couldn't be hot (the actors underneath are); it's just that the movies seem committed to styling them in the least attractive way possible.
  
  
• He's also quite charismatic! Too bad Riley's a one book wonder.
  
  
• Remind me again why they replaced Rachelle Lefevre with Bryce Dallas Howard? I was previously under the impression that Howard had at least some acting ability. Does she just not get the character? Whatever, she's dead now (Victoria, that is).
  
  
• Oh, sweet fancy Moses, some one save me from all these close ups. I can't imagine what that was like in IMAX. OME! girls must have been thrilled.
  
  
• Intentional jokes! Billy Banks! Two great tastes that taste great together.
  
  
• What is with Von Pattinson's sideburns? Were they always this out of control?
  
  
• His eyelashes, on the other hand, are fabulous. I want that mascara.
  
  
• I've forgotten her name and IMDb doesn't list it, but the wigmaster is this movie's MVP. Bella's hair looks so lush and shiny!
  
  
• Has Nikki Reed lost 20 pounds or so? Not that I thought that she needed to lose the weight (because she didn't), but she looks decidedly thinner, particularly in the face, this time around. She looks good either way, just something I noticed.
  
  
• I think Kristen Stewart might have been a little worse this time around. I did not think she was all that concerned with Jacob going off to die. If Von Pattinson's default setting is "pained," then her's is "forgot how to breathe." I sort of think I like her as an actress, though, so I hope she pulls it together.
  
  
• Taylor Lautner's a sweet kid, but things I would not put him in charge of include wishing people were dead, threatening people with suicide, and use of the word "bro" (c.f. Humphrey, Dan).
  
  
• Man alive is Julia Jones (Leah) beautiful when she's not so angry. Which is exactly how Stephenie Meyer described her. Casting coup!
  
  
• Why are these olde tyme vampires so ugly?
  
  
• Em pointed out that Jackson Rathbone appears to be playing Nicholas Cage in Con Air and to a certain extent that's true, but there were also moments when genuine emotion broke through instead of ham mixed up with the accent, which makes me kind of sad for him over all. Also, why does he have different hair every time? And why are his contacts the exact same colour as his hair? He looks extra freaky!
  
  
• While I appreciated the attention to detail of giving the Cullens dark contacts at certain points in the movie to show that they need to hunt (and I'm pretty sure that these lined up with the novel), did anyone else find their golden eyes freaky this time around? Actually, you'd think that would be something the other students would gossip about: how come everyone in this adopted family has the exact same (non-human?) eye colour? You'd think some Cullens would wear contacts to blend in/mix it up.
  
  
• I bet Justin Chon's glad he showed up for his one line.
  
  
• When Carlisle and Billy shook hands, I was reminded of the time I was talking about Twilight the Movie with a co-worker, and she said that she thought that the adults' performances were better than the teens'. I started to say something like, "Well, of course, they're all better actors," but I ended up just confessing that I would totally watch a spin-off show about the dads. Picture it! Dr. Acula, Sheriff Swan, and wheelchair-bound Quileute Chief Billy Black? Admit it, that sounds totally cool.
  
  
• Re: the tent scene. Everyone was thinking, "Kiss! Kiss!" right? What is with these movies and how easy they make it to root for non-Bella and Edward coupling?
  
  
• I like how they left in imprinting but cut out the precedent-setting Quil-imprints-on-a-two-year-old stuff. Probably for the best.
  
  
• Or how pretty much everyone but Jacob imprints.
  
  
• Or how Edward likes to invade their wolf-base hive mind.
  
  
• Which later bites him in the ass when they all feel the pain of Jacob's attack.
  
  
• Ha.
  
  
• The Cullens wear matching outfits in the scene where they first try to catch Victoria. Oh goodness. Way to emphasize the fact that they are a cult.
  
  
• Seriously, what was the point of hiring Howard Shore? I'm not a huge Shore fan, but he's definitely done some cool stuff while working with David Cronenberg. They really need to get Carter Burwell back.
  
  
• I wasn't even much of a fan of Bella's lullaby, but now I kind of miss it. It's one of the two repeated elements in the books that pretty much doesn't exist in the movie (Edward's favouring of blue on Bella is the other).
  
  
• The soundtrack's a little better than New Moon but still not as rad as Twilight.
  
  
• How come no more Von Pattinson on either, come to think of it?
  
  
• I like how Seattle's vampire army wears a lot of flannel.
  
  
• Actually, there's a lot of plaid in this movie. What's with Bella and plaid?
  
  
• Dakota Fanning is good as Jane, but I miss Aro. Michael Sheen rocks.
  
  
• When the Cullens were just standing around waiting for the newborn army (seriously, they just stand there, I believe in matching outfits again), I wondered why they can't get poor Emmett a jacket that fits.
  
  
• Von Pattinson's chest hair is still in place. Check that chest hair on Peter Facinelli! And one of the other ones (Jackson Rathbone, I think)! The Cullen men are working it.
  
  
• Edward's graduation party outfit struck me as perfect. Actually, it was really only Alice who looked oddly dressed at that party, which is the exact opposite of how Alice should look.
  
  
• I sometimes forget that Edward, and all the vampires really, should look freaky and non-human in comparison to the rest of the cast, but I saw it here a few times in a good, not obviously undead way.
  
  
• I hate narration, so I'm glad they barely used, but it's even more distracting when used so sporadically. It sounds like something you keep forgetting to do and then suddenly throw in to say, "Oh, yeah! Narration!"
  

That's all I can think of right now, but I reserve the right to add more observations as they come back to me. Massive improvement over New Moon. Probably the best in the series. B

And if you're in need: A Guide to Recognizing Your Vampires

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

Despite my feelings about The Lovely Bones' failings, I wish more adaptations were as freewheeling as this one. Sherlock Holmes, as you know him, probably isn't close to what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote anyway. Deerstalker and calabash pipe? Never. Boxing? Why yes, Watson did describe Holmes as an "expert" boxer.

It seems as though screenwriters Michael Robert Johnson, Anthony Peckham, and Simon Kinberg combed through Doyle's stories for the best quips and least used traits (beyond the obvious, of course) and tried to tackle the character from a fresh angle. Since they have Robert Downey Jr. in the role, it worked. I hope nothing ever happens to that wildly expressive face. How does he get emotions to travel as currents under the surface of his skin? He can hold an expression for a ghost of a second, and you feel it yet never feel the work. It's extraordinary.

But I think my feelings about Downey are (too?) well documented at this point (no, seriously. He makes a basket case whose neuroses are only held at bay by mysteries and cocaine look like fun), so let's move on to Jude Law, as this movie made me like him again. This is the first role I've seen him in since . . . forever? that didn't rely on or even make reference to his looks as a part of his character. Instead they slapped a mustache on there and let him go to town, and it's lovely town to visit. His Watson is lithe, elegant, and precise but with a rough and dangerous edge. Watching the two of them together -- arguing over a vest, walking through evidence, or even sitting at home with their shirt sleeves rolled up -- casts such warmth that it's hard not to want to curl up in their scenes.

Despite their chemistry, the movie isn't all fun, games, and hotties. It's slow to get moving, a farting dog is used as a punchline, Mark Strong is underused, and Kelly Reilly has too much dark eye make up on (what? A lot of dark eye make up on light-haired ladies makes me think the character is evil because you see two black pits where the eyes should be, and Mary isn't evil). While the movie is more interested in building a franchise than telling the story at hand at certain points, the plot is decent, and director Guy Ritchie obviously put the emphasis on fun. It worked. Now if I can only find an opportunity to remark, "Now that we have a firm grasp of the obvious" or yell, "No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!", that would be ideal. B+

Sidebar: Down with advertising campaign! Pretty much every scene you've sees of Rachel McAdams in the ads is not in the movie. She's great in the scenes she does get, but that's not the point.

"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."

The only reason Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who uttered that line, doesn't appear on my Underrated List is time. If I had more time, each letter would have multiple entries. Even so, my A to Z guide to everything in movies you've been missing should have enough to pique your interest.

Pop Culture Round Up: July 11 - 24

Ryan Reynolds lands Green Lantern role

Writing Pictures: Ann Hornaday on the Art of the Hollywood Screenplay

As Music Mags Fall, Pitchfork Is Booming

Andrew Sarris - A Survivor of Film Criticism’s Heroic Age

Daniel Radcliffe Aces Interview With Terrified 11-Year-Old Reporter

Tate perfects the modern art of living dangerously

Female Directors, Still A Scarce Movie Commodity

Chace Crawford Moves Out of Ed Westwick's Apartment

... | The New York Observer

Leonard Cohen's heard enough of Hallelujah

Third 'Bridget Jones' in works

Austen in sea monster mash-up

Emmy Nominations Announced!

Artistic tendencies linked to 'schizophrenia gene'

The privileged Westerner’s guide to talking about the rest of the world

Valery Gergiev: The Ring master

Report says doom and gloom of movie biz means make more movies!

Former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite dies

The Tyranny of Choice

Jane Austen tames Tombstone

True Blood's Christian Conservative Vampire-Hater Speaks Out

Target’s Book Club Can Make Sleepy Titles Into Best Sellers

Sam Raimi plays 'Warcraft'

Researchers Train Minds to Move Matter

The end of the affair: five of the best breakup movies

Singer gets his revenge on United Airlines and soars to fame

Twilight 2 Soundtrack to Feature Non-Belchy Thom Yorke Track

Jeffrey Wells Is on Team Edward

Today’s Swooniest Brit Actors

"You can't be gay for one person. Unless you're a lady. And you meet Ellen."

Oh, Lemon, you are wrong on that account. You can be plenty gay for just one person. It happens on damn near every TV show I watch. That's why my latest Culture article is a HoYay round up.

And if you're not keeping up with the advice column, you probably have no idea how to deal with the first of May. Send your May Day questions or questions about any other day of the year to advice@culturemagazine.ca.

Wolverine, Star Trek, & Terminator Salvation

2009: The summer in tent poles (so far)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

This movie does not, as I had previously thought, have a double colon in the title. They are missing out. Of course, the movie's also missing things like interesting characters, plots that make sense, and my attention. Punctuation's the least of their worries. Screenwriters David Benioff and Skip Woods seem to have thought of this movie backwards from action set pieces (cool guys don't look at explosions) and then filled out the bare minimum of plot between them. Gambit (Taylor Kitsch, deciding to do little in the Cajun accent department, but otherwise rocking) was cut from the first movie because of the budget, yet they're still doing the least they possibly can with the character. And for what? So we can laugh when Logan (Hugh Jackman, who I always want to type as Huge Jackman - that's his porn name) cuts a sink in half with his new adamantium claws? So we can get a backstory on his amnesia that makes no sense whatsoever? So Liev Schreiber can run around making his evil villain the most fun (and dangerous) character in the proceedings? Actually, that's kind of worth the price of admission. Though, like Watchmen, the movie is never so good as its opening montage (as Jimmy and Victor go from war to war over more than a century, Jimmy becoming disillusioned and Victor gradually losing his humanity), Schreiber's line reading on "Ooo, shiny," is too good to describe. He deserves a better movie. D

Star Trek

J.J. Abrams, look at you! Here we have something that doesn't start in the middle, makes sense without endless exposition, and is a heck of a lot of fun in the interim. Apparently you and scribes Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman are finally figuring these things out. Best of all, you found an inventive way to reboot the entire series that works. And really, I don't know if I've ever seen anything as badass as a 12 year-old driving a car off a cliff. Chris Pine may be an excellent Kirk, all cocksure swagger with just the right stripe of intelligence to pull it off, but Zachary Quinto as Spock owns that movie from start to finish. So long as you've got those two in place, you're set. Well, kickass Bruce Greenwood, dreamy Karl Urban, and adorable Simon Pegg and Anton Yelchin don't hurt either. This might be going some place good. Maybe cool it with the solar flares next time, though. B+

Terminator Salvation

Another colon-less confusing title! Another Anton Yelchin movie! In this case he goes from being adorable with an overblown accent and a head of curls, to, quite frankly, a little bit sexy with his tight pants and guns and the come-with-me-if-you-want-to-lives. The casting is spot on for this kid to grow into Michael Biehn. I have no idea why writers John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris (and the legions of other writers brought on to do rewrites, of course) chose to saddle him with a little mute girl and then didn't have the good sense to kill her (for pathos not my personal amusement), but what are you going to do? I'd rewrite this movie if I could. I'd tell McG to rethink the lighting scheme (not a joke), to give dreamboat Sam Worthington some direction other than "yell a lot," to give dreamboat Christian Bale some direction other than "brood." We get that he can brood, and we love that about him, we really do. I suspect that if I were hunted for the entirety of my life, I would brood a lot, too. But then I'd remember the immortal words of Roger Ebert, and I'd get the stick out of my ass. I'd remember that my character calls for imagination. Mostly, though, I'd call up those bastards in charge of cutting my trailers and ads and thank them for spoiling the only innovative twist the movie had going for it: do you know that Worthington's some kind of terminator? You do? Too bad the movie spends its entire first hour waiting for you to find that out. Bloody hell. There really ought to be some communication when it comes to these things. I don't know if I would have made the movie less boring, but I bet it would have been a good start. C

Veronica Mars (2004 - 2007)

Veronica Mars (or V-mars) is the real reason I came up with TV Thursday. I re-watched all three seasons this summer. Afterward, I wanted someone to talk to about what I loved, what I missed, and my lingering issues with the show. The answer was right there before me: you, gentle reader. I can always talk to you. Not only is V-mars in my personal pantheon of favourite shows ever, but it also happens to be one of the best shows ever made. Though season three barely reached the glory of season one (surely one of the greatest seasons of any show to ever be recorded), its cancellation still stings. For me, the strength of each season is a combination of three elements: the season mystery, the supporting characters, and Veronica herself.

The creators could not have been luckier to have had Kristen Bell in the lead role. She is a genius at creating a multi-layered, believable, mature character who felt like a real teenager. Veronica was tough and jaded when we met her, making her vulnerabilities and her occasional rebellion, as well as her even more rare silliness, that much more moving.

Season one's big mystery was Lilly's (Amanda Seyfried) murder, but the murder connected to the other mysteries of Veronica's rape, her mother's disappearance, her break up with Duncan (Teddy Dunn), and even her parentage. One of that season's great strengths was that it sprinkled at least one clue about one of these mysteries, if not more, in every single episode. We always saw Veronica working to bring these mysteries to a close, and watching a teenage girl trying to solve such overwhelming cases while still dealing with being a teenage girl and solving often personal mysteries of the week (MotW) made for some pretty compelling drama.

Even in the midst of all this, the writers took time to develop the supporting characters in such a way that we cared if we saw them in the next episode. Weevil (Francis Capra IV) and Logan (Jason Dohring) were standouts that season, thanks to tremendous talent, charisma, chemistry with Bell, and links to the season mysteries (not to mention the HoYay. Oh, the HoYay was strong between those two). Weevil went beyond young thug thanks to his emotional ties to family, Veronica, and Lily, and Logan's family situation and self-destructive streak pushed him past the poor little rich boy archetype.

All of these things came to a head in the season finale when Veronica finally solved Lilly's murder: Aaron Echolls (Harry Hamlin), Logan's famous actor dad, had an affair with Lilly and killed her in a fit of rage with she threatened to go public. It was incredibly well developed (Aaron's violence, abuse, and philandering were well established over the course of the season), and it had satisfying repercussions that lasted through the rest of the show.

Season two began with a mystery carried over from season one (Felix's murder - a plotline that was once again was heavy on Logan and Weevil) and picked up a new mystery (bus crash) by the end of the season opener. Despite the fact that she early on drew the erroneous conclusion on that the bus crash was meant for her, Veronica was never particularly emotional invested in figuring out who caused it. Entire episodes could go by without any forward motion on the case, and it became difficult to see why we should care when Veronica didn't. Episodes like "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough" stood out instead because of their creative mix of MotW and character development. "I am God" provided boatloads of information about the crash, as well as a renewed fervour on Veronica's part to solve the case, but, at episode 18, it came too late in the season to spark audience interest in the same way. It didn't help that it followed "Plan B," which, for me, was the high point of the season.

"Plan B," episode 17, saw the conclusion of the Felix murder storyline. This mystery arc was far better handled than the bus crash. It was addressed in nearly every episode, had a tangible emotional involvement for two main characters (Logan and Weevil), and drew Veronica in. It showcased Logan and Weevil at their worst (Logan planting drugs) and best (Weevil's courtyard declaration). Like the conclusion of Lilly's murder, it had rich emotional and plot ramifications that rippled out for the rest of the season and the series.

Cassidy 'Beaver' Casablancas (Kyle Gallner) was by far the standout of season two, so making him ultimately responsible for the bus crash was good in theory. The writers carefully sowed the seeds of of his abuse, and it was abundantly clear that he was one seriously sad, messed up kid by the end of season two. So why, then, did they suddenly write him as a sneering villain? It was obvious that Gallner was talented enough to switch back and forth between the personae, as he did in those final scenes. It was also obvious that Beaver was very smart, so we could believe that he was a criminal mastermind/evil genius (although that stuff with Curly Moran never really added up for me). Throwing in the possibility that he murdered Keith Mars (Enrico Colantoni), Veronica's dad, was cheap. Keith and Veronica's relationship was central to the show, and there was just no way it would go on without it.

It didn't help that the last two episodes also focused on Aaron's murder trial, recalling the better handled season one mystery and manging to be risible simultaneously. That the defense would base their entire case on the idea that Veronica was a slut (I am not making this up) and that the prosecution would be absolutely unable to counter this was a slap in the face to intelligence and dedication of the audience. The two narrative reasons for the disaster of a trial were satisfactory: 1) Aaron finally confesses that he murdered Lilly to Veronica and 2) in Duncan's best move ever, he has badass motherfucker Clarence Wiedman (Christoper B. Duncan) kill Aaron; however, the trial was emblematic of the way things would go down hill in season three.

New network, new structure: season mysteries were dumped for three smaller arcs. When things didn't look good for the show, the two smaller arcs were followed by five stand alone episodes. The first arc, a serial rapist on campus, came from a realistic post-secondary place, and the culprit was handled well. The entire thing fell apart for me when Veronica revealed that Claire faked her rape and accused the Lilith House of faking the series of rapes, a charge which they did not deny. In hindsight, it's clear to me that the first two rapes were real (especially given that the first victim didn't report it), and Parker's (Julia Gonzalo) rape was real. The rest are questionable, which is murky moral territory, even for this show. That the Liliths held Pis responsible for their friend's suicide attempt and subsequent institutionalization and that they wanted restitution wasn't the problem. Even that Nish (Chastity Dotson) would draw the conclusion that the Pis were responsible and getting away with something horrible once again wasn't the problem. It was the idea that such radical feminists would chose to fake that particular crime that rankles. They knew that both Veronica and the police were on the case, and Veronica cracked the case in two episodes makes it all the more ridiculous that they would do it in the first place. Just how stupid are these girls supposed to be?

The second mystery, Dean Cyrus O'Dell's (Ed Begely, Jr.) murder, was better handled by far (sensing a pattern here?). It relied on solid detective work, and, despite the fact that Veronica is herself a rape victim and that she held herself responsible for one of the rapes, both Veronica and her dad were emotionally involved in solving the case. The case pointed clearly to two possible murderers and, in a nicely done moment, indicted a third.

Unfortunately, Veronica, the character, hit a real low point in season three. In season two she was sort of all over the map, but it tied into a believable emotional place: for two years, her life had been hell, and now it just . . . wasn't? What was she supposed to do with that? Solving Lilly's murder hadn't fixed everything, and it makes sense that it would be difficult for Veronica to move forward. One of the show's strengths was that they would let Veronica be an asshole once in a while (we all do it, after all), but they took it too far in season three. Instead of maturing and growing up in college like we would have wanted her to, Veronica started wildly jumping to conclusions in her cases (often nasty ones like when she accused Weevil of holding up the on-campus casino, even no there is no way in hell that Weevil would ever get violent with Veronica) and showing a shocking combination of indifference and judgment toward her fellow man (what was with her immediate dislike of the perfectly friendly Parker? why was she so tough on Max when he fell for a hooker? how could she not see that Piz was pining away for her?). In short, Veronica slid toward insufferableness.

When Veronica broke up with Logan for sleeping with Madison (Amanda Noret) while they were broken up because she held Madison accountable for her rape (a complete retcon), Veronica's character's low point hit its nexus with my biggest problem with the series on the whole: the complete lack of accountability for Dick's (Ryan Hansen) involvement in her rape. There were plenty of other good reasons for Veronica to dislike Madison, so there was no reason to go there. There was no indication at the time or at any point thereafter that Madison knew the drink she handed Veronica was drugged; all she thought it was laced with was saliva and sugar. Dick was the one who put the GHB in the drink; Dick had every intention of drugging and raping his girlfriend; Dick plied Veronica with alcohol after he drugged her; Dick put Beaver in the room with Veronica; and Dick told Beaver to rape her. And what does Dick get for his troubles? A busted surfboard? Fuck. I understand why the writers would want to keep Hansen on the show (he's a treasure), but, from a narrative point of view, the fact that Dick gets away with everything and that Veronica doesn't even blame him or try to ward other women off is the most glaring narrative failure on the part of the show.

The stand alone episodes were hit and miss (the first, "Un-American Graffit," is arguably the worst entry in the series), although they seemed to be pushing the show closer to a procedural and away from its noir roots that helped it command attention and critical praise in the first place. The series went out on a high note with the two-parter "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down" and "The Bitch is Back," an episode that once again proved that a Veronica wronged is the best Veronica to watch. It also set up what could have been an interesting fourth season if they picked up where season three left off: Sheriff Van Lowe (?), the dissolution of Piz and Veronica's burgeoning relationship, the certain knowledge that Veronica and Logan remain as in love as ever. Most importantly, what would happen after Keith put himself on the line for Veronica (again) even though she lied to his face and possibly cost him the election?

We'll never know, so we'll just have to take the show for what it was: a brilliant and occasionally flawed gem, centred on a truly worthwhile protagonist, surrounded by talented and dynamic supporting players, and mounted on a seething underbelly of noir. Ah, television: sometimes you're just so damn good.

Stay (2005)

Summary: Henry Letham (Ryan Gosling) announces to his psychiatrist, Sam Foster (Ewan McGregor), his plan to kill himself in three days, which is also his 21^st birthday. Sam slowly becomes obsessed with saving Henry and trying to figure out why he would kill himself, but Sam is reluctant to discuss the case with his girlfriend Lila (Naomi Watts), who previously attempted suicide.

Alternate title: Why Marc Forster, David Benioff, and Ewan McGregor and I need to have a little talk.

Second alternate title: Why Ryan Gosling should give up the charade and call me already.

Let's start with the usual fall guy, at least from my POV: the writer. Benioff, I have to ask you one thing: What happened to you? Minus the ten minutes in the middle I've yet to see, I loved 25^th Hour. Maybe I'm partial because I love "talky" movies in the first place or maybe it was the cast. Who knows?

Oh, wait, I do. It was two little words that are often viewed with contempt at the box office: character development. Good, old fashioned character development. The way you subtly manoeuvre every character, so s/he is forced to betray their true selves by the end. That was what I liked about you.

Even more improbably, I liked your version of Troy. I mean, no one liked Troy. Just me, those obsessed with sword and sandal epics, and those in need of some pretty boy slash fic inspiration. In which case they are better off watching The WB.

So what are you doing to me here? Either do something high concept, or do something twisty (not to be confused with twisted - get your minds out of the slash gutter), but you cannot effectively do both simultaneously. Personally, I dig this whole short-time period experimental thing you've got going on. Real changes happen to real people so slowly that they are usual imperceptible until the end. To speed them up, you put them in a pressure cooker: an unavoidable dark period looming on the horizon.

As for this crap, I don't know what to tell ya. The little remarks you wrote, the quiet back-and-forth barbs, the seemingly throw away moments, those worked. They were good. Heck, I even laughed. More on that later.

The rest of it, though? I don't know why you had to be so pseudo-complex. We could all see what was going on. And yet, you never seem to put all the puzzle pieces together properly. Funny how it all works out, isn't it? So, dear heart, go back to your novel, and read it over. I know it's your own work but read it as though it was not. Your characterization and character development are still some of the best around. Unfortunately, no one wants to see the plot development come to a dead halt because of it.

Moving right along, I'm now looking at you, Forster. What's your deal? You make Monster's Ball; everyone loves you. You make Finding Neverland, which I loved, but everyone did not. It felt forced to them. Unnatural. Not true to life. Inert, even. You can see why they might balk, right?

Nonetheless, you seem to have a gift with child actors and grown ups alike. Why that doesn't translate to your story telling, well, that's your problem. Actually, it's my problem since I keep watching your movies. Listen up: take what you do with actors and apply it to the story. Maybe even try putting the story first. Stop giving everything away with heavy handed foreshadowing and ham fisted "symbolism." Given how much you do it, it detracts from the story rather than helping it along.

Ah, now you, Ewan. Yes, I like to call you by your first name. Sweetie, why do you make movies? You don't seem to like it very much. You usually seem to bored or uninspired. Your too short pants here don't help. Aside from a few key scenes with Gosling, and I know that's reason enough right there, I don't get why you're doing this. Taken all together, you've given me 5 performances and one line that I've seen you wake up for. I think you need to take some time off or something. Keep riding the motorbike around the world. You seem to like that very much.

Ryan Gosling. There you are, dear Ryan. Appearing at a time when there are so few celebrity crushes worth having nowadays. Rockin' it harder than I thought possible back when you were on Breaker High. And then, even more implausibly, Young Hercules. Minus Remember the Titans, which I can easily forget, you disappeared off my radar for a few years. And then you reappeared in also somewhat lamentable Murder By Numbers, proving that you could supply the HoYay with the vapid Michael Pitt and make being a killer seem, well, damn sexy. You were a bad boy in spades. Of course, that didn't stop you from turning in compelling performances in the vastly different pictures. Suddenly, you've become someone I feel it necessary to watch. You're fast becomng dispensable in my stable of actors on whose quality work I can rely.

Plus you're so pretty! And Canadian! Now, if only you could find a project to work on with Seth Rogen, another crush worthy Canadian.

In the mean time, you are doing it again. You take a character threatening violence, claiming responsibility for the deaths of others, and you make him so vulnerable. Henry is helplessly wading through a world only he can see or understand, trying his best to navigate Sam through without damage. Even though he's busy with all that, he manages to find time for hilarious one liners (I particularly enjoyed it when he denounced the work of every other visual arts student as crap), as well as smolder at Sam when needed. The fact that McGregor occasionally seems enlivened by this passion speaks volumes about your acting prowess.

You always elevate the material with that passion (it must be passion for your craft), but it's not enough to overcome the limitations of the rest of the cast and crew. C+

Serenity (2005)

Premise: Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) captains a firefly class spaceship, Serenity, with his first mate Zoe (Gina Torres); their pilot - and Zoe's husband - Wash (Alan Tudyk); a mechanic with an engine fetish, Kaylee (Jewel Staite); and a mercenary for hire, Jayne (Adam Baldwin). Dr. Simon Tam (Sean Maher) and his younger sister, River (Summer Glau), are passengers aboard the ship. An operative (Chiwetel Ejiofor) depolyed by the Alliance seeks to terminate River in order to keep her secrets at all costs, reeking bloody havoc along the way.

For the Browncoats: The movie picks up shortly after the series left off, with Inara (Morena Baccarin) and Shepherd Book (Ron Glass) having moved on.

For the newbies: It's a space western, okay? Deal with it. Like most westerns, the crew may be outlaws, but they're not the bad ones. The Alliance (i.e. nefarious non-specific government organization) is much worse.

Writer/director Joss Whedon does what he does best here: create a large surrogate family whose close bonds are masked with heavy sarcasm. The white hats are never truly white with him, and his characters are all the better for it. Whedon excels where most TV writers fail daily: complex characterization, unique, catchy dialogue, and tightly paced plots.

In this big screen treatment for a pet project dead before its time, Whedon blends the exposition for those unfamiliar with the show seamlessly with plot elements. In lesser hands, the plot would have to come to a screeching halt for these moments.

And it's the moments we watch for. Browncoats (a term inspired by Mal and Zoe's background in the show and applied to fans) filled my theatre, and their shock, laughs, and tears were heartier than those I witness during even the most compelling movies. When was the last time you saw a movie where the entire audience gasped simultaneously?

That's the joy I derive from Whedon. Having been a faithful Buffy and Angel follower, watching anything he does is like re-reading a favourite book (you practically have the shot list memorized), and Whedon still manages to captivate and surprise you.

Fillion and Torres convey a crackling yet lived-in intimacy. A "hero" with nothing left to believe in, Mal depends on Zoe to function as his moral compass, who does this largely through deadpan humour. Frankly, if I had half of Torres' deadpan abilities, I wouldn't be sitting here writing about someone else. Of course, I suppose being that sexy helps as well.

Mal and Zoe find their perfect counterpoint in the ship's two refugees, Simon and River. Maher wears his heart on his sleeve as a brother obsessed with protecting his younger sister at all costs. Glau's insanity can be grating at times, but the love between these two serves as the film's emotional core.

Baldwin, Staite, and Tudyk fill out the rest of this lovable crew of soft-hearted, hard-bitten cynics with hearts of gold (tm, Shack) with humour, warmth, and another healthy dose of sex appeal.


Seriously, how could a show with some many good looking people get cancelled so quickly? Evil Fox.

Props for David Newman's score. Good use of fiddle.

As much as I love Whedon and could easily put him on a pedestal, and as much as I appreciate him solving two of the three lingering mysteries from Firefly, there are moments when the cast struggles with his crazed, future-Western dialogue. In addition, the ship is so lovingly photographed that it seems like hours before you ever get a good look at a single character, and it's a fleeting one even then.

Also, I can respect and understand the Chinese-Americana combo as an explosion of Earth That Was' last two superpowers (in Whedon's belief), but why can't we have a subtitle or two for the Mandarin?

When I started to write this review, Serenity was sitting in the number two spot in terms of box office receipts, having pulled in a modest $10.1 million at the box office. The crux of this review, of this movie, doesn't occur on screen: if Whedon finds silver screen success, the chances of him returning to the small screen seem to diminish with every ticket sale.

And yet, he deserves it.

So here's to you, Joss. Browncoats should see this movie. Whedon fans should see this movie. Western fans should see this movie. Sci-fi fans should see this movie. Anyone who has ever wanted to see something they could enjoy, who has ever wanted to find characters they could root for, who wants to see some good looking men without their shirts on (sadly not Jayne, though), should see this movie. A

P.S. Watch what you say when you come out of the movie. People are very sensitive to my theories about the characters' sexual predilections.

After you see Serenity in theatres, if you are interested in cuddling up with a nice romantic comedy, check out It Happened One Night (1934).

I tell you truly, if you've seen any romantic comedy ever, at least one element of it came out Frank Capra's classic.

Plus, it's the first movie that features a man without his shirt on. And when that man is the lovable, bodice-ripping rogue Clark Gable, who can argue?

Glam rock!

Velvet Goldmine (1998)

Short: In 1984, journalist Arthur Stuart (Christian Bale) is assigned a story about the rise and fall of British glam rock icon Brian Slade (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), marking the 10 year anniversary of the concert where Slade faked his own death. Coincidence of coincidences, the only British man in New York happened to be at that concert, and he knows a lot more about Slade, Curt Wild (Ewan McGregor), and Mandy Slade (Toni Collette) than his editor could even guess.

Once upon a time, April was attacked by the HoYay. See, I so excited to see my long-term and original movie boyfriend in a movie that I started watching it in the middle, and I saw things that made me immediately snap off the movie. In fact, I pretty much broke up with Christian Bale after that.

Many a moon has passed, and I can handle the HoYay now. If you don't know what HoYay means, you aren't reading enough TWoP. And if you don't know what TWoP stands for, you aren't checking out my links. That's too bad for you, ma'am (or sir).

So, consider yourself warned about the HoYay. Apparently it arrives via spaceship with Oscar Wilde and a green pin.

Any way, you know that part in The Boondock Saints were Rocco accidentally shoots that cat, and Norman Reedus yells, (in an entirely Southern US and not at all Irish way) "Did that just happen?" Well, that's how I feel about this movie. There are only a handful of movies that I could toss in this category, but you know them when you watch them. As soon as the credits start rolling, I look around and ask no one in particular, "What did I just watch?" Not because I've instantly forgotten, you see, but because I have yet to process any of the information.

Now, with luck, some of those movies improve with repeated viewing. Others, however, are thrown into what I now refer to as the "take it or leave it" pile. I wouldn't want anyone to see it without being warned, but I wouldn't stop anyone from seeing it. Unless they didn't want to be neck deep in the HoYay.

I seem to be doing a lot of explaining for this movie, which is either a bad or a good sign. At this point, I'm not entirely sure.

I've been thinking about it, and, while many actors are well suited to their roles, there are few perfect role/actor combinations. I mean the ones where you couldn't imagine anyone else playing the role half as well, as though the actor were born to be [blank]. For me, Russell Crowe as Maximus and Renee Zellweger as Bridget spring to mind. She's the very embodiment of Bridget Jones.

To that list I add Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Slade. If any one else could look like, sing like, or be a better sociopathic (tm, Sobell!), androgynous, bisexual glam rock star, you let me know who it is. Because it's no one. Meyers, frustrating and useless as anyone normal, is bloody charismatic, and he knows it. You just sit back and wait for those pouty lips to curl and those expressionless eyes to start to gleam. Good for him.

Todd Haynes, who wrote and directed this bizarre little offering, also gave us the glorious and understated Far From Heaven, which also involved the HoYay. I'm thinking that Haynes wants to be a modern day Tennessee Williams. Good luck with that. Williams had the kind of characterization that speaks volumes decades after writing, unlike Haynes here. Far From Heaven, though, was the kind of film that requires multiple viewings to see past its muted tones and into its core. I'm undecided about Haynes.

Shades of Citizen Kane and David Bowie aside, I still don't know how to grade this one. If I give it a C, I worry that you'll interpret it as "average" or "middle of the road," but it's not middle of the road. It's on another street entirely. Still, C.

King Arthur (2004)

Plot: Lancelot (Ioan Gruffudd) is one of the Sarmatian knights, world-renowned for their riding skills. He, and the six others still alive, have been waiting 15 long years to be released from their post in Britain to return to their homeland. Their leader, a half-Roman, half-Briton, Arthur (Clive Owen) discovers that their freedom has an additional price: they must rescue a Roman citizen and his family far in the North from the incoming Saxon invasion. While they are there, they discover a beautiful young Briton girl, Guinevere (Keira Knightley), whom the Roman was holding captive, among others.

Alright, in terms of plot summary, I feel like that’s the best I can do.

Caution: Spoilers Ahead!

As you know, I was really excited about seeing this movie. I knew, like Troy, that this was supposed to be a demystified version. I also knew that Arthur and Merlin (Stephen Dillane) were going to be enemies rather than mentor and protege. I was prepared for all of that.

I was not, however, prepared for what a horrible movie this was! I don’t think I could have been more disappointed. I kept waking up last night and saying to myself, “That movie SUCKED!” or “I can’t believe they killed him.” So, yeah, someone dies.

And I know exactly what the problem was – it was the most self-serious movie I have seen since I don’t know when.

Pop Quiz: What have I always said was the one irredeemable factor in what makes up a movie? What, if this was not top notch, would mean the movie would fail no matter how good the other things are?

Answer: Script. Screenplay, plotline, whatever you want to call it. If it’s not there, no matter how awesome everything else is, it just doesn’t happen.

Which is the part I don’t get. This movie is so well bred. It combines the stellar director of Training Day, Antoine Fuqua, the amazing writer of Gladiator, David Franzoni, and two of Britain’s premiere actors (Owen and Gruffudd).

Fuqua did an amazing job. He brought us all the grit and power of Training Day, but this time he had a greater focus on detail. I really don’t think I could ask for more from him.

The casting, I’m not at all kidding, was nothing short of impressive. Gruffudd captured all of Lancelot’s fire, understanding that it was not ego that drove him but sorrow. Owen gave Arthur his depth and filled him with the tension of a man without a real home. Even though their characterizations were a very different, I enjoyed Ray Winstone as Bors, Ray Stevenson as Dagonet, Joel Edgerton as Gawaine, Hugh Dancy as Galahad, and Mads Mikkelsen as Tristan.

And there was good swordplay and equestrian things going on. Owen had never ridden a horse before, and he did quite well. I didn’t entirely understand why Lancelot had to carry three swords, but cool things were happening there as well.

But I cannot comprehend what Franzoni was thinking. What a betrayal this movie was. I came to the point where if he made one more Shakespearean allusion, I was going to slit my throat. I’ve got news for you, buddy, you aren’t the Bard.

Your self-important, conceited and over-the-top screenplay took away your chance, and everyone else’s, at doing something great, something powerful, something real. You messed about the characters, giving Guinevere’s characteristics to Lancelot and vice versa. Then you deprived me of my all important love-triangle. Yet another writer misses the opportunity that I clearly see; Guinevere has the potential to be one of the greatest tragic heroines of all time, but no one will embrace that challenge.

So don’t waste your money seeing this movie. Guinevere is not a warrior princess, and you do not need to see her none existent boobies this much. Of course, if you are me, there was this moment between Owen and Gruffudd that almost made it worthwhile.

Almost.

True Colors (1991)

Premise: Peter Burton (John Cusack) and Tim Gerrity (James Spader) are the best of friends. When the overly ambitious, politically minded Peter betrays Tim, he has revenge on his mind.

There's actually lots of other stuff that goes on in the movie, but that's about as basic as it gets.

Okay, I know I've been trying to lay off John (in addition to Kiefer) movies, and I have been. But there was this really long line at Roger's the other night, so Em and I decided to wander around. I spied Cusack and Spader on a case, so I read the plot description. And, well, you can figure out the rest.

Of course, it helps that this movie is awesome! Honestly, I didn't really know what to expect from it. Fortuitously, it was great. I love it when things turn out like that.

Herbert Ross always seems to tell these sorts of stories. That's how I view the director, in any case, as a story-teller of sorts. He did Steel Magnolias, Boys on the Side, and Footloose, so he's got my vote. Okay, it seems like he does a lot of chick flicks, and it's kind of true. Really good ones though! He wrings incredible performances from his actors, and I will not condemn him for it.

Kevin Wade, on the other hand, has written some crap movies. I guess he used all his talent for this one. Forget about him. I'm cutting to the important part.

Remember when I said that Cusack surprised me as a villain in Cradle Will Rock? Forget that. Rockefeller couldn't hold a candle to Burton. Cusack crafts possibly his most stunning performance as Peter, a guy with a chip on his shoulder the size of Manhattan and a Macbeth-sized ambition to go along with it. That scene, towards the end when Peter realizes how much he has to lose, so desperate to hang on to what's left . . . wow. I mean it. Just plain wow. And then you've got Spader to balance him out. Sure, Tim can seem a bit naive at times, but he's as bloodthirsty as the rest of them given the right motivation. It's even better when he discovers how bitter blood can taste.

More importantly, the chemistry between the two of them is white hot. It's tangible and electric. I don't think I could come up with enough superlatives to describe it. Serious, the thought of rental fees disappears from my mind while watching the two of them on the screen.

Oh yeah, the girl. Imogen Stubbs isn't particularly compelling, and she can't seem to shake her British accent. She does a fine enough job as an upper-crust girl with a lot to learn, and I can say that she doesn't hold Spader or Cusack back. I can say that.

One more thing. What's with Trevor Jones' music? He's the same guy I loved so much from Dark City, but I have no idea what he's doing here. It's like he suddenly forgot that music is supposed to convey emotion, matching and creating pathos for the characters. If you can ignore that . . .

This film could possibly become one of my all-time favourite hidden gems. Right now, it's holding its own, but time can only tell. Serious, check it out. Check it out today. I don't think I can emphasize that enough.

Dead Heat (2002)

Summary: Heart problems force a 35 year-old Boston cop (Kiefer Sutherland) to retire, and his wife (Radha Mitchell) gives him the boot. His ne'er-do-well step brother (Anthony LaPaglia) convinces him to buy a race horse and hire a jockey (Lothaire Bluteau) who's in deep with the mob.

I'm sitting here right now still laughing at this movie. You might think this means that the movie is funny, but you would be wrong. I'm laughing at how very bad this movie is. Mark Malone, the writer/director, shouldn't be making movies because he is not good at it. Harsh, perhaps, but true. Okay, I admit that I've never seen any more of his work. Luckily, I don't need to. I can tell just from this movie.

That said, as much as I love LaPaglia and Sutherland, their chemistry cannot save this train wreck. They are hilarious and a hoot to watch, and they let me use my talent where I turn any movie into a comedy. What - it's in the action section? What - it's rated R? Trust me, it's a comedy when I am there. Just like Sphere. Now, that was a comedy.

Also, what is with Patric Caird's score? Did he write it in the year 1986 for the band Limozeen? Those kinds of guitar riffs just don't bode well with the public today. And another thing! Who shot this movie? Last time I checked, Boston was pretty cool. I couldn't even tell this movie was in Boston! I'm not saying I have to see Harvard in every shot or the John F. Kennedy Library and Museum, but I can guarantee the place isn't as dull as it looked here. This film might as well have been set in Buffalo for all they did with cinematography.

To sum up: as an action movie = bad; as a comedy = good.