The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

Jamie Campbell Bower and Lily Collins

© 2013 Constantin Film International GmbH and Unique Features (TMI) Inc.

There are two ways of looking at the latest YA would-be blockbuster adaptation: as a perfectly ordinary teen fantasy flick or as a truly dispiriting adaptation of one of the best kitchen sink fantasy series I've come across in a long time.

To be honest, I don't really want to get into the perfectly ordinary part of this convo. Aside from some super smart casting (I pretty much loved everyone in their roles, though Robert Sheehan as Simon is the standout), the movie starts to lose steam somewhere around Magnus' party and never really picks back up. The Mortal Cup becomes more and more of a MacGuffin (why do the vampires want it? And why would they kidnap Simon to get it?), so, by the time Jonathan Rhys Meyers and his insane hair/clothes/face come out of the puddle in the wall, you're just sort of over it.

I've been trying to puzzle out exactly what went wrong with this adaptation beyond the aforementioned Meyers and the completely baffling decision to reinvent his character from the ground up. I think I've finally put my finger on it: the movie pulls the book's punches.

[In honour of the return of Extra Hot Great!, spoilers ahead, fun ahoy!]

There's nothing more important than Valentine being Jace's dad. Not just as a reason to keep Jace and Clary apart (that's sort of secondary). It's that Jace's entire emotional arc over the course of all five of these novels is keyed into that one point. How he was raised and what that means for him -- the dichotomy between the man he was raised to be and the man he wants to be, and, yes, what that means for him and Clary, is tied up in one simple idea: Valentine as Jace's dad. Not as a trick suggested by Hodge (to what end?) or some sort of mental jiu-jitsu on Valentine's part. To look at the man who raised you and to realize what he is and to have to make difficult choices based not on pleasing him but on your own heart, that's the essence of growing up. And you can't really have a YA series where no one grows up.

The rest of it, I can sort of understand. Seraph blades are essentially angelic lightsabers. Bringing Alec and Isabelle to the Hotel Dumort allows for an action set-piece in the middle of the movie for the entire cast. Telling Luke's entire backstory would take forever (though the net result is that Luke ends up looking like a Jacobian interloper instead of a crucial component of Clary and Jocelyn's lives). Showing Jocelyn fighting and taking the potion serves the twin purposes of giving you a reason to care about her and justifying hiring Lena Headey for the role.

Of course, doing all that undoes the twin slaps of finding out that Jocelyn did this to herself and that she never wanted Clary to know anything about it. She's softened up, so Clary can have her cry at the end and tell her unconscious mom that she forgives her. Valentine's softened up from killing his whole family to maybe killing only two people. Hodge stays and fights (and dies?) instead of running the first chance he gets. Alec almost dies saving Clary's life instead of trying to impress Jace. So, while we're at it, why not let Clary keep the Mortal Cup instead of losing it to Valentine?

If you are going to mess something up, why not really, really mess it up?

Which brings me back to Valentine. If you are looking for a modern equivalent of the Valentine Morgenstern of the books, look no further than Vladimir Putin. He draws you in with a great deal personal charm and charisma, and you think it's so funny with his vigorous torso and bear staring. And then he starts taking away people's rights, and you realize he's a monster. Always has been, always will be. That's Valentine. Buttoned up cruelty. Not, you know, this:

The sad thing is that this movie is dying at the box office, which means it probably won't get the same chance The Hunger Games got to course correct. I was supposed to wrote a book vs film for that one, and I never quite got around to it. It wasn't even until the third time I saw the movie that I finally got what I didn't like about it: good is the enemy of great. Chasing a family friendly rating chases the greatness right out of that novel. You have to feel each death. What's more, you have to feel the way the entire system is rigged from start to finish, not just in the arena, but in every single district. The way Katniss wants to ask the rare senior in 12 how they managed to live so long. The way Rue describes how hard they work and how little they get in return, but at least they have music. It's all arenas all the way down.

I still don't think Mortal Instruments is as good, but it's still better than Twilight and that pile had hundreds of chances. Is it so wrong that I just want a chance to see the development of Jace, the greatest Shadowhunter the world has ever known? Jamie Campbell Bower's hair looks like it smells and his wardrobe is deplorable, but he does interesting things with his fingers that catch my attention despite myself. He deserves his chance to do a swan dive off the balcony instead of stupid faux-Valentine and his wet leather pants.

Besides, don't you want to see Clary tear that ship apart?

Man of Steel (2013)

© Warner Bros Pictures

Word's out that I have some misgivings about the latest filmic Superman. So, before I get to those, let's hit on a couple of things I did like.

1. This movie is gorgeous. The moving, molten lead, art deco background that Jor El (Russell Crowe) conjures up to illustrate the history of Krypton is the most beautiful thing I have seen on screen this year.

2. I am in love with this score. I'm probably predisposed to like anything that leans on brass and electric guitar instead of just sawing away on violins (and I've been grooving on Hans Zimmer for as long as I've noticed scores), but it has that Beethoven's 5th quality that you want to go with a Superman movie: big percussive movements of isolation woven with a sense of hope.

3. Amy Adams could not be more splendidly suited to the role of Lois Lane. All her natural flinty perkiness is on full force, making her Lois whip-smart, capable, and compassionate. She didn't even have to dye her hair.

My problem, of course, is the biggest problem possible in a movie like this. It's the Man of Steel himself.

Man of Steel features Clark Kent at his most beatific and Superman at his most saintly. And that's a huge mistake.

Superman has always been and will always be a character that people struggle to write and interpret because he's forever on the cusp of being utterly boring. He's an angelic Boy Scout. He's always striving to do the right thing, and he generally succeeds because he's invincible. It makes him difficult to do correctly because why would you want to hang out with a guy like that for very long?

The answer isn't to gritty him up like this movie does with its near-midnight suit and burgundy cape. It's to find the tension that exists naturally within the character. It's to always ask which is the alter ego and which is the real self.

When Clark is 13, his father (Kevin Costner, perfection as a humble farmer with deep misgivings about his fellow man) tells him about how they found a baby in a field all those years ago. Clark wonders if he should reveal who he really is to the world, and, while Jonathan tells him that that his own decision to make, Clark at least owes it to himself (and the world) to figure out what his story is.

And what does Clark do with that information? Apparently nothing for 20 years. When we meet him, he's a 33 year-old with an assumed name and a job as a fisherman off the coast of Nova Scotia. He doesn't do anything to figure himself out until the exact information he needs falls into his lap.

And when he gets it . . . boy, when he gets it. A somnambulant hologram of a ghost appears and says, "Hey, I'm your father. Now put on my underoos and fly around because I sent you here to save the world." Who just accepts that at face value? He's never even flown before!

Not that any of this is a knock against Henry Cavill. He looks every inch the part. The Cavill is on full display (though there are, perhaps, some soy-induced issues up top), and I admit to swooning a little when that luscious chest hair peeked out of the top of the suit. And the movie had no less than three (3!) opportunities for him and his wolfish incisors to bellow "NOOOOOO" heavenward.

He's also, unfortunately, oddly sexless. When Supes and Lois started macking, I thought, "Oh, is he into her?"

I genuinely don't believe that Cavill got either the script or directorial support he needed to do anything other than exactly what he did. How can I be so certain? Because he showed more wit and spark in those final two scenes than he did for the length of the movie. If nothing else, I think Cavill knows who this character is that he's building.

Christian corner: Superman is often used as either a modern day Moses or Jesus, and this movie beats the Jesus drum hard. When Clark is considering turning himself over to Zod, he's literally framed by a stained glass window of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. (I groaned aloud at that one). It doesn't make sense, though, because Jesus practiced what he preached: non-violence, even in the face of certain and terrifying death. Moses, on the other hand, was a a war-time hero. He offered people the hope that if they stuck it out through this dark and violent trial, they would find something better on the other side. As far as character allusions go, it's Moses all the way.

I also have problems with Zod, but those are character problems that go far further back with me than just this movie. I will say that that was nothing special from Michael Shannon. Remember when you told me that rock and roll was a bloodsport? I believed you.

The movie pays lip service to the idea that Superman is a beacon of hope. If they're smart, and they give Cavill the chance to show more of what he did in those last two scenes, then I'll have hope that this crew will do better next time.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Christian Bale

© Warner Bros Pictures

I've already written 1000 words on this picture, so I don't think I have it in me to craft anything resembling a complete essay with a narrative though-line. I do, however, have a lot more thoughts and reactions to the movie as a whole, which will now take the form of bullet points. This probably goes without saying but, just in case it doesn't, SPOILERS.

• I must be the only person alive who loves Hans Zimmer's score. I love the tribal beat of Bane's theme and the way it goes crashing up against Batman's bombastic horns. I love the sneaky switcheroo when you realize that Bane's theme is like Bane himself -- not at all who you (or even he) thought but something entirely different. Above all, I love that when Bane and Batman come head to head for the first time, there is no score whatsoever. Just bone crunching and breathless anticipation in one of the most knock-down, drag-out fights I have ever seen on screen.
  
• My best friend's already made remarks to the extent that she is over Christian Bale, but I think he's my mafia: just when I think I'm out, he pulls me back in. It's not just the streaks of grey hair, the hollows under his eyes, or the fact that he is visibly thinner and more fragile than previous incarnations that break my heart to realize that he may have "aged-out" of the role he defined for himself. It's the way his voice softens when he's speaking with Alfred about Rachel. There's not only sorrow in that voice but innocence, like Alfred is a time machine that brings Bruce back to a moment when he was truly himself. It's the way you can tell, even at first blush, that there's no way Bruce/Batman could ever be more interested in Miranda Tate (though Marion Cotillard has never been more luminous) than he is in the Cat/Selina Kyle. It's not just the challenge that thrills him but the possibility of finding a single human being who may also understand.
  
• Speaking of Anne Hathaway, could she be any more killer in this movie? Sure, her first scene with Bruce when she flips from ingenue to seductress to criminal and right on out that window is gangbusters, but so is the moment in that scene when she hikes her skirt from just under her knee to just over her knee so she can climb (no one would wear those tights or the shoes to cater a party). Her dancing body can go from purring to ready to pounce in nanoseconds, but it's never campy. Above all, she gets to go through Harvey Dent's arc in reverse -- from apathetic to finally having some skin in the game. It was never really a matter of which side she would chose. It was just a question of how long it would take her to get there.
  
• If it weren't for Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I think I would have fainted right out of my seat when Blake told Bruce he knew Bruce's secret identity 'cause he was also Batman (essentially). Mind you, it highlights the essential difference between them and further makes my point that you have to be a fuckin' weirdo to not become a cop or a prosecutor or the world's most dedicated lobbyist, but it also really smartly sets up the whole structures becoming shackles stuff and the way the movie lets you imagine that Blake just knew Bruce would leave him a little something special in his will. Of course, what I would really like to see is the "Becoming Batman" journal that would go along with it, full of handy tips like Lucius Fox's direct line, the best way to appear out of a shadow, and a guide to better growling.
  
• Actually, I'm also probably the only person who doesn't hate the Batman growl. On PCHH Glen Weldon posited that the movies could be a solid 10% better if it weren't for that growl, but whatever. He's got to disguise his voice somehow. Maybe he should have sunk some money into those Mission: Impossible voice patches.
  
• For that matter, I don't mind Tom Hardy's lilting based-on-an-Irish-Romani-'cause-he's-that-guy voice either. It took me right out of the movie the first time, I started to groove on it the second go 'round. It's just on border of being too silly, but, when you introduce a voice like that and follow it up with an impossibly menacing* hostile plane takeover, you start to see the character behind it. You see it in Bane's strut. You hear it in lines like, "What a lovely, lovely voice," followed immediately by mass murder and destruction. In fact, when you hear his voice for the first time, it's overwhelming loud - not just coming from behind you but in front of you and below you and in the seat next to you. Unnerving. 
  
• I don't really get Talia's point -- she hates her dad for disowning her protector but decided to follow through on his plan to destroy Gotham because his murder liberated her from her hate? That's pretty much what she said, I know, but I just don't understand. Why not enjoy the freedom to make your own decisions or reform the League of Shadows or use philanthropy to save the world like you've been pretending to anyway?
  
• To the nit-pickers who want to know how Bruce gets from the unspecified prison location and back to a secured Gotham in an unspecified amount of time, I say, "Did you not watch Batman Begins?" He spent seven years figuring out how to get from A to B without any money or notice. I'm sure he had it in the bag.
  
• How weird is it to see Batman in the daylight, though, right? It's a testament to both how broken the city is yet how accustomed they are to his presence that there are no double takes during that climactic showdown at City Hall. Gotham's just like Bruce in that regard -- they take Batman for granted.
  
• The song/video that inspired my article title.
  
  
  
  
• Besides the above, I think this is my favourite image that I came across in my research:
  

  

  Christopher Nolan

  © Warner Bros Pictures

A touch too long and a touch too reliant on Michael Caine's moist eyes to carry the emotional beats, but otherwise a near masterpiece. A-

 *I was going to say "badass" here but decided against it in part because I think the term is overused, in part because I don't want to associate any positive connotations of the term with the character, and in part because I heard a very convincing argument against the very character of Bane (in that he is a less product of storytelling needs and more of a need in the 80s and 90s for more "badasses" in comics).

Weekend update: The Amazing Spider-Man and Cosmopolis

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

© Columbia Pictures

Shortly after I saw The Amazing Spider-Man, a friend asked me how I would rate it. I gave her the letter grade, which she didn't get (she went to a school that didn't use them, apparently), so I gave her a percentage instead. She was shocked by my answer. First I tried to explain it away as the movie starting at a deficit with me because 1) I love Spider-Man and 2) I love the Sam Raimi Spider-Mans. That doesn't really explain it, though, and it's not really fair. It's more like this.

Anything other than the acting in this movie kind of sucks.

It has all the right elements: Peter developing the webs 'cause he's such a super-smarty, Gwen Stacy as his first love, Curt Connors doing wrong by trying to do right. All of those things work because the people playing them are so phenomenally well-cast (if you weren't already in love with Andrew Garfield, I don't know how much longer you will be able to hold out). It's all as it should be: Peter realizes a little something about himself and about growing up, and it gives him a confidence he never knew was always waiting inside him. But he's still a spaz who has to bury his head in his hands because what did he just say. And that Footloose-esqe moment of discovery . . . man, oh man.

But it's not right. Marc Webb's an excellent people director, but he doesn't have the visual elegance to craft an action sequence worth following. The score is horrendously distracting (really, James Horner, banging on the piano keys? Have you grown bored?). The plot is sketchy and oddly suggests that we really need to know Flash's back story. Flash! I live Chris Zylka and wish him well, post-Secret Circle, but c'mon. Forget about Richard Parker's amazing scientific discoveries and his dun Dun DUN!

It's like this -- if you don't put a crocodile snout on The Lizard, he risks looking like a turtle without his shell. B-

And, quite frankly, Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire own the New York Subway. Don't even go there. 

Cosmopolis (2012)

It's probably not a good sign when you start to wonder, "Why is this happening? Why is this happening to me?" while watching a movie. It's happening because I paid for it to happen. It's possible that I'm a masochist.

I'd be lying if I pretended that anything other than morbid curiosity drew me to this project. Von Pattinson? Cronenberg? Are we flipping maps again because that is some topsy-turvy shit.

I'll never fully fail a Cronenberg movie because I can't argue with the man's technical gifts or high level of commitment to the messages of his products. But beyond that, man. If I wanted to watch a movie that required so much work and delivered so little pay off, I'd probably watch Haneke again. D

The Avengers (2012)

Thor and Captain America

© Marvel

I gave The Avengers a second chance.

Yeah, that's right: second. I thought it was merely okay the first time around, but some smart people convinced me that I was missing something, so I did it again. Verdict? It's very good, but I wouldn't go further than that in part because you basically don't have the space to develop that many distinct characters in an ensemble piece whose main goal is kicking ass and in part because some characters, no matter who you get to play them, will never lend themselves to character development (yes, Hulk, we're talking about you). I'm going to skip talking about all the delicious Whedon-verse-ism, though, because that's been done, and better, in about 1 million other places.

I was, however, thoroughly enthralled by what they had going on with Captain America, right down to the make-up and wardrobe choices. He's so alien to them; so different in his approach to how and Why We Fight that ends up standing out far more than the actual aliens. If he seemed (intentionally, I would wager) flat in Captain America, then he comes into sharp relief here. He never needed as much push as the rest of them to do the right thing, but he needs a lot of help to figure out what the right thing is these days (or if it even matters). Plus he gets to be part of one of my fave visual gags. Well played, Chris Evans.

Well played to . . . pretty much everyone, let's be honest. I love The Hemsworth (though I seriously considered calling in a Wig Cop on that thing) (also, he got to deliver what might have been my actual favourite joke of the movie, so good for him); I love The Buffalo and his Peter Falk impersonation; I love, love, love Robert Downey Jr. (especially as Tony Stark); I don't understand why people have a problem with ScarJo in the role; I especially don't understand why people have a problem with Jeremy Renner (it's not his fault his character was in a coma for half the running time). Besides, if anyone was having a breakout movie, it was Tom Hiddleston, so clearly relishing the narrow pettiness of his particular goal. Will we ever not fall for that? Solid B+.

P.S. I do feel bad for Cobie Smoulders, as I don't think anyone had a kind word to say about her in the role or even about the role's existence. Probably because it was flatter than flat.

P.P.S Those aren't shawarmas.

X-Men: First Class (2011)

© 20th Century Fox

Though he may have directed the lackluster Kick-Ass, Michael Vaughn was also responsible for Layer Cake, and it's hard not to imagine he had creating the next Bond in mind while polyglot Michael Fassbender slinks through exotic locales, his impeccably tailored ensembles never quite concealing the malice in his movements. X-Men: First Class isn't quite the Magneto movie we were once promised, but it's awfully close.

Of course, Erik Lehnsherr isn't the only character whose origins we must explore this time around. Charles Xavier as able-bodied womanizer gets play, too, and James McAvoy is having a helluva time doing it. His delight in his fellow mutant is as genuine as it is joyful, and none makes him more so than his new bestie.

But since this movie isn't X-Men: Besties, Erik and Charles have to pick up a few friends along the way. Hank McCoy (Nicholas Hoult) and Raven (Jennifer Lawrence) acquit themselves well (particularly Hoult, whose American accent is flawless), but the rest threaten to disappear into a two dimensional melting pot of "ooo, look, powers!" (Is Riptide mute?) Combined with a slightly too long running time and a bizarrely paced trilogy,* the flaws keep the superb performances from transcending the movie. B+

*SPOILER ALERT Here's what I mean by bizarrely-paced trilogy: EVERYTHING happens in this movie. Magneto branches off on his own, Charles loses the use of his legs, Hank turns blue . . . it just makes me wonder what's left. Wouldn't you have the Charles/Erik relationship dissolve in part 2 and come to a head in part 3?

Also, and this is unrelated, hiding out at your own house is pretty obvious. Where ever will they look?

UPDATE: I meant to say that I also saw The Hangover Part II this weekend and can tell you with near-certainty that you would be far better off renting The Hangover than paying to see that garbage in the theatre. 

Thor (2011)

© Paramount Pictures

I was more confused than excited when it was announced that Kenneth Branagh would be directing Thor. The fact that he didn't cast himself in it was a positive sign, but the trailer and tv spots made the movie look more dull than anything else. Though it's not a top shelf Marvel adaptation (not as sprightly as Iron Man or as deliciously weird and weighty as Spider-Man 2), the movie's pretty good. Don't bother with the 3D, though; at one point I asked my viewing companion if anything was even in 3D. Maybe Mjölnir came at us at some point?

What took me by surprise was how much I like Thor, the character. Here's the thing about the god of war: he's remarkably angst-free. Sure, some stuff gets him down, but he bounces back awfully quickly. He's not a orphan, nothing tragic happens to give him his abilities or drive, he wastes no time in adapting to Earth, and, when he likes a girl, he just goes ahead and lets her know. None of this "can't be with you in order to protect you" malarkey. He learns a few necessary lessons, and it's all derry-doing from there on out. He's practically Errol Flynn, if Errol Flynn were a giant war-mongering Labrador retriever. Depending on who you read, Chris Hemsworth is either serviceable or turning in a star-making performance. I was going to tell you to split the difference to find something closer to the truth, but, given how much I like the role, a good part of that must be down to Hemsworth (or as I initially typed, "The Hemsworth"). I should just admit that I love that big slab of beefcake. Seriously, though, he is huge.

Juxtaposing him with teeny Natalie Portman makes for an effective sight gag, but it's the lovely way that serious scientist Jane Foster comes undone by the courtly colossus that really makes the relationship (and the movie) tick. Stellan Skarsgård is equally up for some good old fashioned Norse fun, and I bet he had plenty of Viking advice to pass on the Hemsworth, given that he is the father of one. The vision of Asagard as a 1930s golden wonderland presided over by Anthony Hopkins is just icing. 

Though it could do with a little more substance, it's a decent first outing and an excellent addition to the rapidly expanding Marvel movie universe. B

Pop Culture Round Up: July 10 - 16, 2010

Breaking Dawn to film in B.C., Baton Rouge

The Creativity Crisis

Much ado about women: Modern-day reading or distortion?

Too Hollyweird for Hollywood? David Lynch asks fans to help fund his movies

EXCLUSIVE: Marvel confirms they will hire new Hulk for The Avengers
May I suggest Eric Bana?

Bella and Edward Who? Real-Estate Tycoon Deconstructs Twilight
This is amazing.

Discovering Canada's cool capital

Court rules against FCC policies on indecency

The story of pink

The bookcase you'll want to live in Historians locate King Arthur's Round Table

Mark Ruffalo In Late-Stage Talks To Be Marvel’s New Hulk in ‘The Avengers’
The Buffalo!

HBO Picks Up Dustin Hoffman Drama

Vulture’s Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Type Guide to Casting Sensitive Geeks
Quick, guess which one I got on the first try!

Tales from New Orleans
There's a larger thing brewing in me about about literature and New Orleans and Treme and feminism, but we're not quite there yet.

Jay Baruchel to get ACTRA award

Colonoscopy: It’s Time to Check Your Colons
The punctuation mark which I am addicted to. It used to be semi-colons.

How Caravaggio saw in the dark

William Faulkner Goes Online, 50 Years Later

The Smart Set: I Like Candy
I had no idea you could use the word "existential" and its permutations so many times in an article about rediscovering candy in middle age.

The Smart Set: Theater of the Completely Normal

Kick-Ass (2010) & The A-Team (2010)

I think casting directors of the world and I need to have a little talk. During this little talk, we will discuss the hows and whys of casting far more compelling and talented actors as villains instead of in the lead roles. I get why you would want someone compelling in the bad guy role, I really do. But when you put them up against vacant spaces (Kick-Ass) or smug bastards (The A-Team), it's hard to want to see the good guys win.

Really, was there any single relationship in Kick-Ass as well drawn or fun to watch as Chris (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and Frank D'Amico's (Mark Strong)? Sure, Chris sets Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage) up, and Frank shoots some random teenager in the street. But Frank takes Chris to the movies and makes sure he gets his Twizzlers! They watch TV together! Really, are you going to root for the guy who buys his 11 year-old a butterfly knife for her birthday and lets her use the saltiest language I've ever heard this side of Deadwood? Actually, I'm kind of confused as to where she picked up this stuff give the 1950s turns of phrase her father favours. Did Marcus speak to her this way? Point is, Mintz-Plasse makes Chris sparky and fun and lonely and weird in the best, most honest teenage way, so why would I care if boring Aaron Johnson saves the day? Also, there is no scuba suit in the world that flexible. C

I know it's standard now to make the first movie in what's meant to be a tentpole series an origin story, but let's go ahead and stop doing that now. Unless, of course, you wanted to see a 30-second opening narration turn feature length yet still make no sense at all. I mean, I do get it to an extent. If you wanted me to sit down and sketch out the basic plot, I could probably get it right. Of course, half of that's only upon reflection and discussion. But if you wanted me to sit down and sketch out the enjoyable parts of the movie, they would focus on Patrick Wilson's Lynch almost exclusively. Maybe Brian Bloom as Pike. But that's it! I'd much rather see Wilson have his silly little freak out in the car than pretty much anything involving Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, and Quinton Jackson. Wilson plays a lot of straight-laced and dim characters, so maybe he's just excited to let loose. He's having fun, which means we're having fun watching him. It's either that or an overload of smug characters cracking up at I don't even know what because I have yet to hear a joke. I hear catchphrases, and I hear smugness. Liam Neeson, I expect more from you. C-

The Short Take: Neglect 2009 - Part III

Dinner = eaten. Saved by the Bell = watched.

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

The movie is overall too shaggy to amount to much, though it does deliver excellent doses of George Clooney, Jeff Bridges, Stephen Root, Stephen Lang, Robert Patrick, Glenn Morshower*, and Kevin Spacey. Yes, Ewan McGregor also in this movie, but his whole point is react like Clooney is kind of bananas and eventually sort of fall in love with him, i.e. to be the audience. It's not exactly demanding. But Clooney dancing or Spacey inducing a terrible trip? That's good stuff. B

*Has he graduated from Hey! It's That Guy! College? I see him in stuff all the time now.

2012 (2009)

2012 is a) bloated, b) so boring that I went to the bathroom for something to do, and c) ridiculous. I sort of love how cheesy it is. It hits absolutely every trope you could possibly think of and then floods them. People have a right to fight for their survival, Chiwetel Ejiofor? Against a worldwide deluge? Okay, we'll get right on that. I mean, John Cusack's son's name is Noah, for pity's sake. D

Gamer (2009)

Cool trailer, endlessly gross and terrible movie. Doesn't even have the good sense to let the bottom fall out and embrace how truly terrible it is. Michael C. Hall sure seemed to be having fun, though. D

Moon (2009)

It's funny that someone didn't think to multiply Sam Rockwell or make Kevin Spacey a disembodied voice sooner. Those are both exactly the right choices to make. It's not a perfect movie, but it's haunting and beautiful and occasionally very funny. It bodes well for Duncan Jones' career. B+

9 (2009)

A very cool looking movie that isn't that exciting to watch. Shane Acker expanded it from his award-winning short, but the story almost seems better suited to a graphic novel than a feature film. Both the philosophic arguments and pulse-pounding chases that make up the movie make for amusing diversions, but it culminates in a rickety finish. B

The Time Traveller's Wife (2009)

Read my Book vs. Film. Better yet, read the book.

The Soloist (2009)

I never thought of Robert Downey Jr. as an actor in need of direction, and I'm not entirely convinced that that's the problem here. His character is ill-defined, but I doubt we should lay that at the feet of Downey exclusively. I'd sooner say that the problem is director Joe Wright, specifically the relationship between Wright and the material. He also made the lush, passionate, tragic Atonement, so it's not like he can't direct. But he doesn't know what to do here. He puts Jamie Foxx in a room with real life afflicted people. He attempts to show make music looks/feels like to Nathaniel through colour. None of it sticks. I do like that the movie makes it clear that Steve can't ever "fix" Nathaniel, that things just aren't like that, but I'm not sure you should hang a movie about the relationship between a journalist and a schizophrenic musician on the strength of any one's narration even if it is Downey. C

Time to move to couch.

Pop Culture Round Up: February 6 - 12

A Tour of 'Hell' in Evening Dress

New vote counting procedure for Best Picture Oscar is hard to follow

People Share News Online That Inspires Awe, Researchers Find

Surprise! Bradley Cooper Won’t Be Romancing Julia Roberts in Valentine’s Day

Creature feature

Magicians Speculate on Profession's Gender Imbalance

A world of Marvel

Exclusive Details on the Escape From New York Remake: Different Big Apple, Same Eye Patch

Sex Change: The Rise of the Female-Driven Blockbuster

Bored to Death? It Could Happen

Exclusive: 'Friday Night Lights' sets end date

The Wolfman’s Anthony Hopkins on Twilight, Working With Benicio, and the Problem With Mumbling Actors

Bob Dylan paintings get London gallery show

A discussion about Liz Phair, Riot Grrrls, and other '90s women in rock.

Pop Culture Round Up: January 30 - February 6

How having the web on your phone is changing urban living

You suck, and so does your writing

Independent Cinema - Poised for a D.I.Y. Revolution

RAZZIES Nominations

Zachary Quinto (aka Spock & Sylar) Tunes Up For Spielberg’s Gershwin

Zac Efron to be the next Spiderman

Catalan film theaters go on strike

Yes, “awards season” is stupid, but it beats the alternative

Prokofiev’s operatic talent to bemuse

Basics - Abstract Thoughts Prompt Literal Physical Responses

Is Avatar the All-Time Box-Office Champ or Not? Vulture Has a New Equation

The Odd Situation Of The Best Foreign-Language Film Oscar

Clooney as Batman tops worst movie list

Days of Our Lives actress Frances Reid dies

Risk and the adolescent brain.

Pop Culture Round Up: January 16 - 22

On Language - Movie Misquotations

Valery Gergiev slows the tempo

American Library Association presents kids lit awards

'Drag Me to Hell' for best picture?

Billy Baldwin Is Serena's Home-Wrecking Father on Gossip Girl

Marc Webb to direct 'Spider-Man'

Twilight graphic novel set for March

Bafta nominations pitch Avatar against An Education and The Hurt Locker

Why we love TV's anti-heroes

Pop Culture Round Up: January 9 - 15

“Oh, I’m chasing this guy? No, he’s chasing me.” 34 essential uses of voiceover in film
Knowing my opinion of voiceovers, this list contains a few of my favourites.

U.K. Unveils First-Ever Double Prince Portrait!
So cute!

Marilyn Manson has proposed to his actress girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood
WTF? What happened the last summer's rumour that she was banging the Viking?

Watching TV shortens life span, study finds
I'm effed.

Spider-Man 4 Unravels as Franchise Moves On Without Tobey Maguire, Sam Raimi
At first I was annoyed, but I've started to come up with some pretty cool reboot ideas.

UseMyAccent Helps Actors Talk Like an Egyptian

Mystery at the Philharmonic: Who Was That Clarinetist?

Jeff Bridges's 10 greatest performances
Everyone's going to pick The Dude, but what about Seabiscuit?

Depp gets life-sized statue in Serbia

Anxious or sexually competitive? Try God

James Cameron rejects claims Avatar epic borrows from Russians' sci-fi novels
But what about Pocahontas?

"They never have rat exhibits in the zoo. I could start a new trend!"

I normally find a quote that utilizes the month's theme, but it turns out that "liberation" quotes didn't go that well with my latest (Cult)ure article. It's a handy checklist to the trends behind the movies that defined the decade. It will also help explain why your favourite movies from 2000-2009 didn't make anyone's top of the decade list.

Also, I believe I forgot to tell you about the interview I did with writer-director David J. Garfield last month. Enjoy!

Pop Culture Round Up: January 4 - 8

It's not like I've been keep tabs over the holiday break.

The noughties in cinema

‘The Lexicographer’s Dilemma’ - Jack Lynch Explores English

Rule #1: 'If You Want To Be A Great Writer, Be A Man'

Baby-Sitters Club books to be revived

Christopher Lee to release 'symphonic metal' album

Villain dispute could delay Spider-Man 4

Vampires really are everywhere!

Alice Guy Blaché, Cinema Pioneer, at the Whitney Museum

In Praise of Infidelity

Heirs get settlement in dispute over Picassos

Pop Culture Round Up: ? - September 25

Oops. I just left this sitting here instead of publishing it. Old news!

The curious appeal of miscellanea - The Boston Globe

David Denby goes on the hunt for snark, abuse in a public forum | Books | The Guardian

BBC NEWS | UK | Scotland | Wire writer says adverts kill TV

Fox sets 'Fantastic' reboot - Entertainment News, Film News, Media - Variety

Classic literature can take whatever we throw at it | Art and design | guardian.co.uk

Cliché, cliché, go away | Film | A.V. Club

The habit Hollywood can't seem to kick: Remakes | The Big Picture | Los Angeles Times

Evan Rachel Wood and Alexander Skarsgard Reportedly Canoodling -- Vulture -- Entertainment & Culture Blog -- New York Magazine

YouTube - Senator Al Franken draws map of USA

Forgotten Memories Are Still in Your Brain | Wired Science | Wired.com

New Season - Movies - Exploring New Routes to the Indies - NYTimes.com

A look at new paintings by Bob Dylan | Culture Monster | Los Angeles Times

Golden Girl Betty White wins career honour

Reading Kafka 'enhances cognitive mechanisms', claims study | Books | guardian.co.uk

Valery Gergiev: The passion that drives the ultra patriot | Ed Vulliamy | Music | The Observer

When have we not been in the midst of a vampire craze? - By Christopher Beam and Chris Wilson - Slate Magazine

Lack of sleep linked to Alzheimer's - health - 24 September 2009 - New Scientist

Pop Culture Round Up: July 25 - 31

Oldman lets Batman 3 news slip

Co-Chief of NBC Entertainment Departing - NYTimes.com

Mila Kunis hunts 'Black Swan' Shrew versus shrewd - Los Angeles Times

Vampires suck. - By Grady Hendrix - Slate Magazine

From the Set of Gossip Girl: An Illicit Kiss! -- Daily Intel -- New York News Blog -- New York Magazine

Howard to replace Lefevre in 'Twilight'

Robert Pattinson: Edward Is a Murderous Weirdo - E! Online

Twilight's Lefevre 'stunned' at loss of role

Jones County, Miss. - Civil War Fires Up Literary Shootout - NYTimes.com

Synchronised blinking stops viewers missing the action - life - 29 July 2009 - New Scientist

Replaced Twilight Actress ‘Stunned,’ Possibly With Good Reason -- Vulture -- Entertainment & Culture Blog -- New York Magazine

Jeremy Renner is talk of 'Town'

Vulture Taste Test: Tru Blood -- Vulture -- Entertainment & Culture Blog -- New York Magazine

Robert Downey Jr Loves Jude

Tim Burton's art to show at MoMA

Film - Four Decades of Cary Grant Movies in BAMcinématek Series - NYTimes.com

Seth Rogen: A Career in T-shirts -- Vulture -- Entertainment & Culture Blog -- New York Magazine

Wolverine, Star Trek, & Terminator Salvation

2009: The summer in tent poles (so far)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

This movie does not, as I had previously thought, have a double colon in the title. They are missing out. Of course, the movie's also missing things like interesting characters, plots that make sense, and my attention. Punctuation's the least of their worries. Screenwriters David Benioff and Skip Woods seem to have thought of this movie backwards from action set pieces (cool guys don't look at explosions) and then filled out the bare minimum of plot between them. Gambit (Taylor Kitsch, deciding to do little in the Cajun accent department, but otherwise rocking) was cut from the first movie because of the budget, yet they're still doing the least they possibly can with the character. And for what? So we can laugh when Logan (Hugh Jackman, who I always want to type as Huge Jackman - that's his porn name) cuts a sink in half with his new adamantium claws? So we can get a backstory on his amnesia that makes no sense whatsoever? So Liev Schreiber can run around making his evil villain the most fun (and dangerous) character in the proceedings? Actually, that's kind of worth the price of admission. Though, like Watchmen, the movie is never so good as its opening montage (as Jimmy and Victor go from war to war over more than a century, Jimmy becoming disillusioned and Victor gradually losing his humanity), Schreiber's line reading on "Ooo, shiny," is too good to describe. He deserves a better movie. D

Star Trek

J.J. Abrams, look at you! Here we have something that doesn't start in the middle, makes sense without endless exposition, and is a heck of a lot of fun in the interim. Apparently you and scribes Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman are finally figuring these things out. Best of all, you found an inventive way to reboot the entire series that works. And really, I don't know if I've ever seen anything as badass as a 12 year-old driving a car off a cliff. Chris Pine may be an excellent Kirk, all cocksure swagger with just the right stripe of intelligence to pull it off, but Zachary Quinto as Spock owns that movie from start to finish. So long as you've got those two in place, you're set. Well, kickass Bruce Greenwood, dreamy Karl Urban, and adorable Simon Pegg and Anton Yelchin don't hurt either. This might be going some place good. Maybe cool it with the solar flares next time, though. B+

Terminator Salvation

Another colon-less confusing title! Another Anton Yelchin movie! In this case he goes from being adorable with an overblown accent and a head of curls, to, quite frankly, a little bit sexy with his tight pants and guns and the come-with-me-if-you-want-to-lives. The casting is spot on for this kid to grow into Michael Biehn. I have no idea why writers John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris (and the legions of other writers brought on to do rewrites, of course) chose to saddle him with a little mute girl and then didn't have the good sense to kill her (for pathos not my personal amusement), but what are you going to do? I'd rewrite this movie if I could. I'd tell McG to rethink the lighting scheme (not a joke), to give dreamboat Sam Worthington some direction other than "yell a lot," to give dreamboat Christian Bale some direction other than "brood." We get that he can brood, and we love that about him, we really do. I suspect that if I were hunted for the entirety of my life, I would brood a lot, too. But then I'd remember the immortal words of Roger Ebert, and I'd get the stick out of my ass. I'd remember that my character calls for imagination. Mostly, though, I'd call up those bastards in charge of cutting my trailers and ads and thank them for spoiling the only innovative twist the movie had going for it: do you know that Worthington's some kind of terminator? You do? Too bad the movie spends its entire first hour waiting for you to find that out. Bloody hell. There really ought to be some communication when it comes to these things. I don't know if I would have made the movie less boring, but I bet it would have been a good start. C

Pop Culture Round Up: April 25 - May 1

Probably. I'm probably not going to pick up an e-reader any time soon, but I think you may be overreacting, NY Times.

"I’m a Post-Paper Evolution Consultant." How do I get a title like that?

I still like it.

You know, I don't think I've ever done that. I'm more likely to make a scoffing noise.

Sad.

Yay! Will he grow a mustache? Wait, what about Damages next season?

I wouldn't have known the answers to all these questions either.

Not only can you read it (drunk?), you can watch it!

This seems a little outdated. Aren't we all convinced of the horror of Wall Street at this point?

I'm weirdly excited about this. Look at young Ken Olin!

"Stoner is the new stud / Because losers become winners in this world of Judd."

That's a strange Photoshopped image, no? And yay, Canada!

Read this. And then this. I mean, seriously, "Talese is sitting under the naked lady with the rainbow vagina." How can you not want to know more?

First semi-colons and now exclamation marks. They're hot for punctuation at the Guardian.

Why? Isn't the novel originally in English anyway?

Can you beat my score? It was mind blowing.

I agree with the general point, but the definition sounds closer to "twee" to me than "kitsch." Maybe shifting definitions have something to do with it?