The Watcher (2000)

Outline: Haunted by an unsolved case, Joel Campbell (James Spader) moves to Chicago to escape his past. He seeks help from a therapist, Dr. Polly Beilman (Marisa Tomei), who becomes the murder’s (Keanu Reeves) target when he follows Joel to the windy city, attempting to recreate what they lost.

Oh, 2000. How the mighty have fallen.

Of course, I really brought this one on myself. Very often, affection for one actor leads you directly in the path of another who sucks.

I actually find Reeves mind-boggling. He appears to have made a career out of little to no skill, and it’s an incredibly lucrative one at that. For all he’s worth, he’s done but two good movies in his day: My Own Private Idaho and Much Ado About Nothing.

And that’s what boggles the mind. Shakespeare! Of all the things in the world he could be actually good it, it’s the Bard! So, the real question becomes why does he insist on torturing us with all this other insipid crap?

Obviously, in this case, I was drawn to Spader. Mostly I was drawn to the idea of Spader in a Hollywood movie instead of his usual indie fare.

This choice, I can assure you, was a mistake. Spader, usually alive with sexual tension, sparkling sarcasm, and oozing intelligence, is wooden here at best. I don’t blame him, though.

I blame Joe Charbanic (director), David Ellis (writer), and Clay Ayers (writer). They’ve done nothing since this waste, and I’m not in the least bit surprised. Unrealistic dialogue, a sorry excuse for a plot, and vacant characterization isn’t really the way to get yourself noticed. Well, at least not the way to get anyone to return your phone calls.

Do you know that my only consolation is after I watch a movie this bad? I know that I’ll never make the mistake of watching it again. That’s it – that’s all I have.

How else could I tolerate a complete waste of the talented and beautiful Tomei? I mean, they actually manage to make her look unattractive.

And they made me watch Reeves dance. That’s just torture in and of itself.