America’s Sweethearts (2001)

Short: A publicist, Lee Phillips (Billy Crystal), scrambles to get an on-screen/off-screen couple, Gwen Harrison (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and Eddie Thomas (John Cusack), back together in time for the press junket for their latest film after their very public break-up. His only ally is Gwen’s long-suffering assistant and sister, Kiki (Julia Roberts), as he battles the director (Christopher Walken), Gwen’s Spanish lover (Hank Azaria), his replacement (Seth Green), the producer (Stanley Tucci), and, of course, the press.

April takes requests! Yes, I do take requests, and I am reviewing the film at the behest of a friend. I don’t know how much longer we will be friends, though, after she reads this.

Because the movie is horrible. Just horrible. It’s too long, too boring, too contrived.

Don’t get me wrong here. I think Crystal, Zeta-Jones, Cusack, Walken, Azaria, Green, and Tucci are some of the best people out there. In fact, if I haven’t mentioned it before, I love Tucci. He’s so good. So very good.

Notice how Roberts didn’t make that list. I have a problem with her because she plays the same character in every movie. By now she’s not even acting, she’s doing Roberts. I bet she’s really nice in real life and probably fun to hang out with, but I cannot stand seeing her do the same thing over and over again. How do I know this? The one time she takes on a more challenging role, she wins an Academy Award. Erin Brockovich was a good movie, albeit more of a glorified made-for-TV movie, but that doesn’t mean she should get an Oscar. And don’t come after me with Mary Reilly or The Pelican Brief to defend her because you’ll have to take a closer look to make a convincing point. Actually, I think her best movie is Steel Magnolias. That one you could argue.

From what I have read, Lee and Kiki are the ones who were supposed to end up together, which I think would have been better, and Roberts refused to wear the fat suit for the whole film, so they had to add in all that stuff about Kiki losing 60 pounds. What kind of example is that setting for young women everywhere? That you can only get the guy you want after he loses his mind, and you lose the extra pounds? I much prefer the message of BJD: Be your crazy self, and dreamy Colin Firth will fall in love with you.

Actually, some of the best scenes are between Cusack and Alan Arkin, who plays his “Wellness Guide.” If you’ll recall, I also said that about Grosse Pointe Blank. So nice they did it twice.

So where did it all go wrong? Combination of writing and directing. I think too highly of Crystal to say that his work on the screenplay was bad, which means that Peter Tolan will have to be sacrificed to make up for it. What is wrong with him? He wastes the talents of his cast, and he dwells on the unimportant and uninteresting. On the other hand, what can you really expect from the guy who brought you Stealing Harvard and What Planet Are You From??

And then you’ve got a director with no vision. Yes, thank you, Joe Roth, for not attempting to save the script or your star-studded cast.

Well, there you have it, folks. I don’t want you to shy away from making requests, just keep in mind that you might not want me to tear apart your favourite film.