Constantine (2005)

Brief: John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) is a powerful psychic who fights demons in order to redeem his immortal soul since he knows he is doomed to hell. After her twin sister kills herself, Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) wants to know more about the dark forces at play, and her search leads her to Constantine.

Oh, who cares. If you really want to know, I suggest you read Hellblazer, the comic book on which this mediocre movie is based. For the love of peace, don't go see this movie.

Consider this April taking one for the team. As such, I feel no responsibility toward you for keeping any part of the movie's plot a secret.

It was a waste of my money and then some, and I only paid 6.95$. In fact, the most exciting part of the movie came before hand when Emily finally saw David Bowie's hand double and proved that I wasn't crazy. Serious, that was it right there.

Otherwise, classic example of how trailer people can make anything seem much more worthwhile than it really is.

Also a classic example of why music video directors (here Francis Lawrence) shouldn't be movie directors. Music videos are not mini-movies - they're acid trips mixed with speed pretending to be movies. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Music videos are great for music. I'm not sure I'd want them any other way.

But movies are another ball game, and it's a very difficult transition to make.

Luckily, Lawrence had embraced Lois's advice of always keeping everything moving, so I can vouch for it never getting boring. It didn't excite me, per se, but I wasn't bored.

I did forget what we were watching before the movie started and again in the middle somewhere. Bad sign.

The glorious Klaus Badelt scored this movie! (Along with Brian Tyler, but let's ignore him) I can now safely attribute anything good in this movie to him. Oh, Klaus.

Alyson Dee Moore, the foley artist, must have had a field day with this one. Despite the fact that Klaus is one of the best movie composers writing today, the movie went for one of those everything's-really-quiet-so-this-cigarette-lighter-is-now-the-loudest-thing-you've-ever-heard things. Cue loud cigarette smoking! Cue loud spatulas!

Despite the fact that he's quite adept with Shakespeare, Reeves is not an actor. He's a thin, tall man who can utter his lines with just enough confidence to convince you not to throw things at his head.

Of course, you just knew that Constantine had to be a bad ass. He called demons "asshole", and he SMOKED! As much as smoking is bad, and I can't understand why anyone would take up smoking knowing what we know now, smokers are not necessarily evil. It really is an addiction, folks.

Weisz is actually much better than this, so I'm not sure what she's doing here. Also, I'm not sure why a grown woman wouldn't know better than to wear a black bra under a white shirt, but that's another story.

Who knew Gavin Rossdale was British? Not me, that's for sure. I had to look it up to make sure he wasn't faking his accent. I remain unconvinced that an acting career is the way to establish yourself as something other than Gwen Stefani's husband, though.

Also, just in case you were wondering, angels and demons don't wear shoes. Bare feet abound. They do, however, get pedicures.

If I started in on Kevin Brodbin and Frank A. Cappello (co-writers) for the gaping holes in their story, I might never stop. Instead, I'm left wondering why Catholic dogma is always the source for these quasi-theological movies that never actually stop to consider the theological ramifications of what they are saying.

Not that Baptists, for example, have as much going in ritual department. It occasionally seems to me, a Protestant, that Catholics are obsessed with pain, and that can make for good movie fodder. Still, other religions have interesting stuff about them, but when was the last time you saw a reincarnation thriller?

Also, Heaven and Hell are right there behind what we see all the time? Hell is just this world but on fire and very windy? Why windy? And Heaven is very glowy?

And everyone wears their shoes under water? Am I the only person who doesn't like wet shoes?

For a movie that raises far more questions than it could ever possibly answer, it's not that bad. I've seen far, far worse (ahem, Alexander). It is, however, mediocre, and not worthy of your attention. C-