Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Roman numerals are always classier.

Story: Having found love with Julia (Michelle Monaghan), Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) has elected to train agents instead of being involved in active field work himself, but, when one of his recruits, Lindsay Ferris (Keri Russell) is kidnapped by her mark, Owen Davian (Phillip Seymour Hoffman), Ethan joins a team (Ving Rhames, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Maggie Q) to recover her. Lindsay reveals to Ethan that someone higher up in IMF may be in league with Davian.

Back before Em and I hit the theatres for M:I II, I read a review that began, "Anything James Bond can do, Ethan Hunt can do better." The statement pretty much said everything we needed to know about that movie that followed: John Woo had turned what began as an interesting and fairly intelligent movie into a cheese fest. In this case, it was a cheese fest so bad it parodied itself. (Confidential to John Woo: what's with the birds?)

What were we to do when we heard that M:I III was in the works? That Phillip Seymour Hoffman has signed on (pre-awards frenzy)? That JRM and Billy Crudup were going to be around? That that Felicity/Alias/Lost guy was going to direct the whole shebang?

Largely ignore it, it seemed. PSH alone was reason to see the affair, but it certainly wouldn't be enough to tell you about it.

Oh, but then, my friends, the media frenzy. The whirlwind courtship with a young starlet, the pregnancy, the crazed guest appearances, the alien baby. Tom Cruise has, in the space of a year, done something remarkable: he's become necessary.

Yes, you are at the right page. No need to rub your eyes in disbelief. Truth be told, I've never thought much of Tom Cruise as an actor. Mostly because, despite those elaborate back stories he creates for each character, the research he puts into his roles, the appearance on my beloved Inside the Actor's Studio, Tom Cruise is not an actor. Tom Cruise is a movie star. Tom Cruise has middling talent, accessible good looks, and screen presence. And, frankly, that's all he needed. So Tom Cruise climbed and climbed and climbed until he became the most famous and bankable movie star on the planet. He's Tom Cruise: Celebrity.

Of course, as far back as I remember, Tom Cruise also had another thing: one helluva press team. Tom Cruise had one of the most perfectly presented and meticulously well kept public persona of any celebrity ever. He was Tom Cruise: affable action hero. He was Tom Cruise: husband and father. He was Tom Cruise: most eligible bachelor. He was sweet and charming and down to earth. All-in-all, the kind of guy you could take home to your mother (minus the Scientology, natch).

Quite suddenly, he wasn't. He was Tom Cruise: full time crazy! And thus, my favourite celebrity was born. Not my favourite actor or public figure or personality, but my favourite celebrity. He's everything you want from a celebrity: a non-stop press party of wild insanity, one stunt topping the next. He's a movie come to life. That's dedication, my friend.

As such, I had an obligation to go see this movie. I had to support the career of my new celebrity best friend, Tom Cruise. M:I II was the first Tom Cruise vehicle I had ever seen during its theatrical run, but I knew it was time to bump that number up.

Of course, Em and I aren't complete idiots. We fully considered the possibility that this movie would suck. So we built on what we did last time. You see, we were able to learn some important lessons from the sequel (e.g. security guards all have motorcycles), and, by golly, we were going to learn some lessons this time around.

So, without further ado, we present our list of Very Important Lessons gleaned from M:I III:

1. Monaghan looks a little too much like Kat[i]e Holmes. I think Tom Cruise set out to warn the world about what would happen if they tried to mess with his girl. He does his own stunts, after all.
2. PSH cannot be reasoned with, and he does not negotiate.
3. JJ Abrams loves Greg Grunberg.
4. Tom Cruise hates parents.
5. All women want Tom Cruise.
6. Kids hate Tom Cruise.
7. Tom Cruise cannot refuse a damsel in distress.
8. Tom Cruise wants to recapture his Top Gun days on that motorcycle. True enough, I read somewhere that he was floating around sequel ideas. That's my boy!
9. The bad guy will only take you to a derelict warehouse. Do keep your shoes on, if possible.
10. Spin cameras make everything more exciting.
11. Tom Cruise has a strict limit on how many other pretty men may appear in the same movie as him, as well as on the screen at the same time. As such, at least one pretty man must be evil to diminish his prettiness.
12. Felicity is one tough bitch.
13. Felicity still hates Hannah. Scoop: I once read an interview with JJ Abrams about how difficult it was the plan one of the seasons of Felicity, and he thought it was much easier if Felicity was a secret agent who could fly off at a moment's notice, so the writers could deal with her problems later. Alias was born.
14. Bad guys hate clean, renewable energy.
15. Sprinklers are on in graveyards during interments.
16. SHAUN!
17. Tom Cruise hates Botox, which earned him a point from me.
18. Tom Cruise hates gravity.
19. Any priest can go anywhere in the Vatican.
20. Guards don't know each other.
21. All secret agents have great taste in eyewear. I think they have to take a course.
22. Tom Cruise doesn't fuck around.
* This one isn't really a lesson, but I had a thought. You know what I would like to see? 2 men enter, 1 will leave: Ethan Hunt v. Jack Bauer. Think about it.
23. Secret agents don't breathe oxygen nor are they susceptible to the changing pressure conditions at different altitudes.
24. There can only be one good black man at a time in the Impossible-verse.
25. Spray cheese is corrosive.
26. Tom Cruise has a steel spine.
27. Interrogatees don't get to talk.
28. Shanghai is in China.
29. JRM and obligatory female agent must have "sexual tension." They are, after all, of opposite sexes.
30. JJ Abrams loved M:I.
31. Tom Cruise loves Sister Sledge
32. Tom Cruise can only cry out of one eye. I wondered if the other one wasn't real.
33. Shaun rules!
34. Tom Cruise does the funky chicken.
35. If someone needs CPR, don't bother with compressions. Just start emotionally beating your first on his/her chest. Brings 'em back every time!

Sadly, there are two points that got lost due to the difficulty of writing in a darkened theatre.

Yes, I have failed differentiate between Tom Cruise and Ethan Hunt. Don't see the difference, really. I could point to evidence for each one of those points, by the by, but I'm not going to spoil it for you. Really, what you should do is print out the list and take it to the theatre with you. Make a game of spotting the points! Support Tom Cruise, the most necessary man of our time!

Oh, okay, so that's Jon Stewart. But it's close, people. Very close.

What's that you say? What about the movie? Oh, perfectly enjoyable, light-hearted popcorn fare. Nothing to take your five year-olds to (ahem, idiots who sat in front of us) for there is violence and swearing and sexiness, but there are much worse ways to spend a couple of hours. B+

P.S. Best credits song, right after V for Vendetta.