Beowulf & Grendel (2005)

Brief: One fine sunny day, King Hrothgar (Stellan Skarsgård) and his men kill Grendel's father. Grendel (Ingvar Eggert Sigurðsson) swears vengeance, and, when he grows up, seeks to take it against all of Daneland. Beowulf (Gerard Butler) hears of the king's troubles and leaves Gaetland with his men to rid the neighbouring kingdom of the violent troll. Beowulf begins to have his doubts about the troll's motivations, however, and his relationship with the witch, Selma (Sarah Polley), only adds to his confusion over the situation. Of course, by the time Beowulf discovers that Grendel's concerns are legitimate, he, too, hath incurred Grendel's wrath.

I still can't figure out whether it would have helped to read the epic poem on which this movie is based beforehand. I would have been able to comment on how closely it sticks to the source, and I would have been in a position to better understand the kind of story I was walking into. But I didn't read it, so I knew pretty much what I put in the plot description.

I can honestly boil down the entire experience into four reactions:
1. This is sad.
2. What the fuck? (giggles)
3. Oh, okay.
4. I hate this bitch.

A little more detail? Oh, alright. Just for you.

1. Because Hrothgar kills the troll daddy for no reason at all. And there are about eight or ten of them who take him on with weapons while he is unarmed. The trolls are presented as peaceful and family-oriented with these crazy horsemen of the apocalypse coming after them. So it's sad, okay?

2. Oh, man. In the first act, this movie is as earnest as it gets. And you know what's funny? A movie that really wants to be a grand epic tale. Dude, you already are an epic! Stop trying so hard. Stop with your over-the-top Gladiator style score, Hilmar Örn Hilmarsson. Stop with your panoramic scenery, Jan Kiesser. Personally, I would have gone with romanticizing the people who survive in a land so inhospitable over romanticizing the hinterland itself, but I guess we can't all see it that way.

3. Fortunately, the movie magically dropped its far-too-serious tone pretty much with the introduction of Beowulf, and it wasn't a nanosecond too soon. Butler appears with a baritone that makes people weak in the knees, confident without arrogance, smart withot condescension, a warrior with conscience and heart. And an impish grin. And charisma. And that voice.

And just like that! An pretty decent movie begins, with complex charterization and intelligence. Too bad it also had a bad case of Tourette's. Not to make fun of people with Tourette's, but I don't what else to call it. The script goes from lines like, "Where did that action have its birth?" to fucking this and fucking that in a matter of seconds. Never mind the four-letter word pottymouth Selma lets fly. Speaking of . . .

4. Hate. It's not you, Polley; I don't blame you one bit. But what exactly am I supposed to feel for this character? Sympathy? I get that Selma's got a lot to be bitter about, I do. I can see why she wants to stay away from everyone else and cares about the troll everyone else hates. It's just too bad that she's such a cryptic bitch. She may be weary of the effect she can have over someone's destiny (she sees people's deaths), but she also does all she can to make sure that the deplorable cycle repeats itself. And for no reason, really. Other than the fact that she's a cryptic bitch. Ugh.

If you forgive the earnest beginning and aren't squeamish, I suspect you'll like the 103 minute escape. I may be just be nit-picking, and it's not half bad. B