Return to Paradise (1998)

Idea: In eight days, Lewis McBride (Joaquin Phoenix) will be hung in Malaysia for drug trafficking unless his lawyer, Beth Eastern (Anne Heche), can convince Sherrif (Vince Vaughn) and Tony (David Conrad) to return and exchange three years of their lives for his.

I actually worked the tagline of this movie into a plot description. Good tagline. Tells me just want I want to know, and the poster tells me the names of the three leads.

Too bad it features Vaughn's and Heche's stupid heads. Yes, that's right, for the sake of sweet, sexy Phoenix, I watched a movie that starred two actors that I basically don't like.

Big mistake. I don't know why the three of them are billed above title since Phoenix is barely even on screen, which sucks. He does the insanity that comes from isolation and the certainty of death very well.

Unfortunately the audience spends most of their time following around the antics of the charmless assclown that is Vaughn. He's not charming, and I think he goes for smarmy but ends up coming across as a charmless sadist in everything I see him in. Everything. To call him one note is an understatement. Don't get me wrong - sometimes that works. Sometimes that works exceedingly well, like in Swingers.

It just doesn't work for me here.

Heche is another story. Her singular voice gives me the creeps, as does her nearly singular facial expression. I just don't care about her in movies. Also, what was with the way her character dressed in Muslim Malaysia? Could she be more inconsiderate of their culture? No wonder no one wanted to listen to her.

The only good thing about Wesley Strick and Bruce Robinson's screenplay is that it allowed me to end a sentence with "in the Biblical sense", if you know what I mean. And I think you do. If you don't, you're not reading enough Television Without Pity.

Overall, it's not that bad. I don't want you think that I watch a lot of drug movies now. It's just that this movie focused on two people that I couldn't care less about. Their characters failed to be compelling, and the movie featured a serious lack of resolution in the conclusion. Just don't bother with it unless you love Vaughn. Then you should go ahead. C-