The Short Take: 2009 so far

Bearing in mind that January and February are generally a cinematic wasteland that people use to get caught up on awards fare, there's sometimes a gem in the bunch, an Eternal Sunshine or In Bruges. This year, not so much, hence the capsule reviews.

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Reason: Jensen Ackles

Yes, we went for the Ackles. It's a known fact that I rarely watch horror movies in part because I scare easily and in part because I don't have the stomach for gore. I've started to get over both in recent years, and, more importantly, Ackles should really be a lot more famous than he is. Probably not for this movie, in which we learn that even pregnant women aren't safe in horror movies any more, but generally he should be. Aside from the Ackles, Edi Gathegi, and the brief moments when I considered it possible that Jamie King was the killer (spoiler: she's not), there's little to recommend it. D

Push (2009)

Reason: Chris Evans

Okay, not really. I like Evans, but I wouldn't go to a movie just for him. I actually decided to go because the AV Club claimed it was not that bad, and it turns out they were right. Dakota Fanning's the best part of the movie as its emotional core, and the relationship between her and Evans is surprisingly sweet and believable. There's enough style and moody blues to keep your interest even when the story doesn't (makes them super soldiers how?). Camilla Belle's spangly suit didn't do any one any favours, though. B

Taken (2008)

Reason: Liam Neeson

Oh, again not really. It did turn out that he is the only reason to see this movie, but we also needed to get out of the house. If we get to see famous original Ruby and hear Neeson shout, "This is not the time for a dick measuring contest, Stuart!", so much the better. Other pluses include the hilariously short running time (91 minutes), and the important take home lesson that if you incur incredible amounts of damage, kill foreign nationals, and uncover a sex slave ring*, France will send you home with a pat on the back. C

*You know, the kind made up of affluent white Westerners.

The International (2009)

Reason: Clive Owen (for reals this time)

If you were thinking that what you'd really like to see is Naomi Watts and Owen slumming it for no discernible reason with nothing but risible dialogue between them, have I ever got a movie for you. It's as though someone made a full length version of Superfluous Indifference. The current economic climate adds a patina of relevance to the proceedings, so it's too bad that it wears off pretty quickly. The shoot out in the Guggenheim goes like gangbusters, but in the end you're left with nothing but the distinct feeling that Watts, Owen, and Armin Mueller-Stahl deserve a lot better. C

Friday the 13th (2009)

Reason: Jared Padalecki

Since pretty much everyone I know that watches Supernatural is a Dean-girl, I've got this complex called, "I'm not even a Sam-girl, but you guys are making one due to your insane love of Dean." One might also call it unnecessary pity, as no one is kicking The Chest out of bed for eating crackers. Aside from the fact that Padalecki wears far fewer layers than he does in the average episode and I was reminded that Ryan Hansen exists, there is no reason to see yet another horror remake. Now let's do something about that hair. D