3:1

Based on evidence that will follow, I claim that they odds are three to one that a movie you watch is going to be less than spectacular. Odds are three to one that it will be boring and/or crappy. These odds were developed in response to a completely non-random sampling of three DVDs and one movie at the cinema.

Frida (2002)

Plot 1: A biography of Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek), who channeled the pain of a crippling injury and her tempestuous marriage to fellow painter Diego Rivera (Alfred Molina) into her work.

Boring. Sure, Hayek and Molina are terrific, but the movie moves so slowly and aimlessly that it doesn’t even matter. The way Frida’s work is integrated into the movie (a shot is frozen and then slowly replaced with a painting of the event or gradually the Frida in the painting becomes the flesh and blood one) were the only things worthy of my attention.

Also, having Ashley Judd, Edward Norton, and Antonio Banderas around for glorified cameos did nothing but cause me to wonder what was up with the stunt casting. By the time Geoffrey Rush rolled in as Leon Trotsky, I was struggling to care. The picture is beautiful to look at but a disaster the longer you stare. C +

The Opposite of Sex (1998)

Plot 2: 16 year-old Dedee Truitt (Christina Ricci) runs away from home to live with her gay half-brother, Bill (Martin Donovan), seduces his live-in lover, Matt (Ivan Sergei), and runs off to LA with Matt in tow. Meanwhile, Bill has to fend of a sexual harassment charge brought against him by Matt’s other boyfriend, Jason (Johnny Galecki), as he and the sister (Lisa Kudrow) of his dead lover search for Matt and pregnant Dedee, with help from Sheriff Carl (Lyle Lovett).

It says a lot about a movie when I think the most interesting character is played by Lyle Lovett. Okay, I’ve got a strange, October Sky-based soft spot for William Lee Scott, who played Randy, but that’s about it. It was mostly for the Lyle Lovett that I kept the movie on. Normally I don’t like Lovett, and, when I see him in a movie, I say things like, “What are you doing here?!” So good on you, Lyle.

Not so good on Don Roos, though. Why do critics like him? I know I have yet to see this year’s Happy Endings, but, otherwise, everything he writes or directors or writer/directs kind of sucks. This is no exception. C –

Aeon Flux (2005)

Plot 3: Blah blah future plague last city on earth rebels cakes. After the death of her sister, Una (Amelia Warner), Aeon (Charlize Theron, rocking some dark hair) finally gets the assignment she’s been waiting for: the assassination of Chairman Trevor Goodchild (Marton Csokas, looking fine). Naturally, when she finally gets close to the chairman, she discovers that things are not as they appear.

Before I get some ill-advised backlash about how I went to see this movie, and the cognitive dissonance that no doubt follows for you, let me remind you that trying to predict my taste in movies/my movie watching pattern is futile and frustrating.

You see, I was in quite a craptacular mood, and I wanted something mindless to help me avoid my stress. There are two types of mindless movies: those which are so stupid, so inane, so awful that their very existence is enough of a reason to bubble over with rage. This one was the good kind of mindless, where you don’t have to think about what’s happening, where every revelation is obvious without being stupidly so, and where the number of questions you have at the end of the movie are kept to a minimum and mostly involve Theron’s hair. Brisk pacing helps. Good work, team!

There’s nothing good or bad in this world but thinking makes it so, and that’s the way you need to address this movie. I wouldn’t recommend spending money on it if you don’t need to, but it makes a pleasant enough diversion if you need one. C

And, finally, it must be time for the good movie!

House of Flying Daggers (2004)

Plot 4: The local deputies capture Mei (Ziyi Zhang or Zhang Ziyi, depending on what you see) a member of the rebel group, House of Flying Daggers. She is rescued by Capitan Jin (Takeshi Kaneshiro), who plans to use Mei to find the Daggers’ leader. Captain Leo (Andy Lau) warns Jin not to fall for Mei.

Created as a companion piece to his 2002 release, Hero, Yimou Zhang’s film is here is breathtakingly beautiful. It takes a little while to get into it, but once you do you are carried away to a sumptuous and violent world.

Imagine how disappointed I was to discover that it’s not even filmed in China. Alas, it was the Ukraine.

I don’t have much to say about it except that you should watch it. See a single drop of blood splash onto a dagger while it’s flying through the hair. Admire the bath Jin creates for Mei along the road. Stare in wonder at the marvel of choreography and cinematography that make up this intoxicating picture. A -