Fantastic Four (2005)

Short: While in space, Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), Susan Storm (Jessica Alba), Johnny Storm (Chris Evans), Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis), and Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon) are exposed to some cosmic radiation, which alters their DNA. As Reed pushes for the four to learn to control and reverse their powers, Victor conceals his and concentrates on what they can bring him.

To sum (Em): Deliciously lame!
Me: Delightfully awful!

You can go ahead and see it if you want to. It's your money. I'm just not sure I would recommend this movie to anyone who wasn't me. Or Emily. But only if we see it together in order to snark the whole way through.

If I had to guess the mindset of co-writers Michael France and Mark Frost, it was something like this: "Isn't this movie good? Oh, well."

And given Tim Story's non-direction style, I would fathom a guess that he was on the same wavelength.

McMahon, who I love as narcissistic Dr. Christian Troy on nip/tuck, basically played his character as follows: Dr. Christian Troy mysteriously stops getting all the tang he wants, so he goes insane. No, seriously.

Here's how Alba, Gruffudd, and Evans did: . What's that you say? There's nothing there? It's blank? Hmmm. Maybe that's my response to the ciphers parroting dialogue instead of playing characters. I couldn't care less about Alba and Evans, but why do you keep doing this to me, Ioan?! You can be pretty good, and Horatio's possibly one of my favourite characters ever, but what are these movies you make?

Wondering about Chiklis? Well, being as how he's given the only character in the movie, he also gives the only performance. I assure that shouldering the emotional heft for any entire film, even if you are made of rock, isn't easy. It also means that everyone and everyone is going to shit on you, both figuratively and literally. It's seems a lot for one man to take, but Chiklis brings a little grace, panache, and fleshy pugilistic manhood to the role anyway.

Once again, another movie that raises more questions than it answers and not in that good makes-ya-think kind of a way. More like, "Who asks a woman he's never dated to marry him? Why is Ioan so tan? Why is he wearing so much eyeliner? Why can't The Thing control his powers? Why is his wife so mean?" and, above all, "Didn't you people see Spiderman? He's going to kill you all!"

I realize that kind of gave something away there, but you're all smart enough to pick it up on your own should you ever bother with this trifling affair.

This is the nightmare that all comic book geeks and critics feared at the rebirth of the comic book movie. We were previously treated to the highly stylized, operatic works of Sam Raimi and Robert Rodriguez, but now we have this. No matter - it's ephemeral. By the dawn of a certain famed chocolate factory next week, it will be all forgotten. Until then - D.