Speed Racer (2008)

Short: A decade or so after his older brother's (Scott Porter) death in a race, Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) is taking the racing world by storm. His parents (John Goodman and Susan Sarandon) are proud but wary, his girlfriend (Christina Ricci) feels neglected, and big corporate sponsors (Roger Allam) are calling. Speed turns down a lucrative deal, and he puts his career and his family in jeopardy as a result. In the end, he hooks up with a similarly hogged tied racer (Rain) and the mysterious Racer X (Matthew Fox) to clean racing up.

For reals, you guys. I've seen both "Go, Speed Racer, Go Away" and "No, Speed Racer, No" as review headlines, and they're both warranted. This movie sucks. Sadly, the writing-directing Wachowski brothers don't seem to realize what a turkey they've made.

It's too bad, really, because it has the makings of a great midnight/cult movie if only they would just let the bottom fall out already. Between Trixie's get ups, the insanely deliberate cartoon calibre acting, and all the serious arms, it at least has the makings of a great drinking game. Drink if everyone completely overreacts to the situation! Drink every time you notice a dropped plot! Drink every time a gent with serious arms wears a sleeveless ensemble for no good reason! You'll be drunk pretty quick, which is probably the best way to watch this movie anyway. Come to think of it, I was a little bit buzzed when I saw this, and it was still interminably boring. If I hadn't been Colbert-ly cursing Rain every few scenes, I don't know what I would have done.

Hirsch has reportedly already fired his agent, and the film is busy tanking, so I suppose there's no reason to beat a dead horse. The only person I really feel bad for, to be honest, is Scott Porter. He works those arms, he makes racing seem downright sexy, and he's a fantastic actor to boot. The first season of Friday Night Lights should have been his Emmy season, but the Emmys hate shows that are good, so that wasn't going to happen. Now this movie is obviously not going to be his big break. Hey, casting directors! Look over here! Call up Porter's agent and get his reel, okay? You'll thank me. And the rest of you? Don't bother with this movie. You'll also thank me. D-