Grindhouse (2007)

I'd like to tell you about this movie, but I can't because you didn't listen to me the first time. I thought I'd made myself clear, but, oh no, I wasn't clear enough. Let's put it this way: NEVER EVER BRING YOUR FOUR YEAR-OLD TO AN 18A MOVIE. There - that's a little clearer, right? I don't care how badly you want to see it. I don't care if you couldn't find a babysitter. I don't care if your ex traded you weekends, and you already had these plans. Woe is you. Movies are rated 18A for a reason. Sometimes, they are rated 18A for many reasons. Reasons like, I don't know, violence, gore, nudity, and attempted rape. You know, the usual. It's bad enough that you feel the need to share your every thought, chew with your mouth open, and sit directly behind my viewing partner and I even though we are the only people in the theatre. So yeah, That Guy and That Guy's Best Friend, get the hell out of my theatre.

World's goin' to hell in hand basket.

Since we are already here, I guess I could tell you about what I saw yesterday.

Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror: When a chemical agent that turns people into flesh-eating monsters is released into the Austin atmosphere, a go-go dancer (Rose McGowan) teams up with a mysterious tow trucker driver (Freddy Rodríguez) from her past to save the survivors, including a doctor (Marley Shelton) from her murderous husband (Josh Brolin), and the town sherrif (Micheal Biehn) whose brother (Jeff Fahey) makes the best BBQ in Texas.

Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof: A former stuntman (Kurt Russell) terrorizes women (Rose McGowan, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Vanessa Ferlito, Jordan Ladd) along the Texan highways, but he runs into trouble when he tries to take on another group of women (Zoe Bell, Tracie Thoms, Rosario Dawson) in Tennesse.

What's the matter with you? Why aren't you going to see this in theatres? You get two pictures for the price of one plus you get to see fake trailers, which is sort of like getting to see a bunch of short films as well! Wicked awesome short films, in case you were wondering. I mean, if I can get off my duff and go see a Tarantino movie (me!), then it's quite possibly the least you could be doing.

I mean, it's the one where Rose McGowan ends up with a machine gun for a leg. A machine gun leg, people. If you don't think I spent the entire feature on the edge of my seat waiting for a) McGowan to get her machine gun leg and b) Shelton to hop on the back of her motorcycle, you don't know me at all.

And that's only one picture! Then Snake Plissken gets into Bullit's car and goes crashing into people. It's just awesome.

RR might just be my hero. First he gives me Sin City and now this? Fantastic. He also managed to balance the T&A with incredibly loving shots of Rodríguez. He seems an unlikely choice at 5'6" and best known for Six Feet Under, but that makes Rodríguez all the more hilariously badass. By the time RR backs him up with the ridiculous yet still sexy score RR wrote, it's hard to resist.

The key is the casting. You have to find actors who can be in on the joke while still delivering their lines with a straight face. Bruce Willis is good at that. Brolin was surprisingly good at that. McGowan is so good at that she may have been born to do it.

By the time Thoms, Dawson, and the beautiful Bell roll up to take Russell on, you totally love these movies. It's an irresistible smash-up of paordy and pastiche, and I, for once, am all about it.

Before you reach for your smelling salts, allow me to say that seeing a QT movie does not mean that I have reversed my position on him. I am willing, however, give him an inch, and that inch is . . . I will be less dismissive of him in the future. There. That's all he's getting, though. Don't get your hopes up.

So, how 'bout it guys? Would you like to get two movies for the price of one, plus a bunch of short films, complete with intermission, so you visit the facilities and grab another snack? Esp. if it comes with a heavy dose of awesome? Then you should get on that before they yank it from theatres, chop it up, and re-release the double feature separately. Is the problem that all QT and RR's fan are just too young to understand what they are missing out on? If so, young'uns, listen up: stop missing out. You won't be sorry if you spend an afternoon or evening with this interpretation. A