The Last Kiss (2006)

Idea: Twenty-nine year-old Michael's (Zach Braff) life feels pretty planned out: he works at a great architecture firm, he's still friends with all his pre-school friends, and he lives with his pregnant girlfriend (Jacinda Barrett) of three years. Naturally, he meets a cute co-ed (Rachel Bilson) and starts having doubts about where his life is going. Meanwhile, in sub-plot-landia, Chris (Casey Affleck) is considering leaving his wife (Lauren Lee Smith), although he doesn't want to leave his toddler behind; Izzy (Michael Weston) can't win Ari (Marley Shelton) back, so he's heading to South America; Kenny (Eric Christian Olsen) may have found a girl worth more than a one-night stand; and Stephen (Tom Wilkinson) and Anna's (Blythe Danner) relationship is headed for rocky road.

Although I cannot find any proof of my conviction, I am certain that The Hater made some crack about this movie being a run-of-the-mill can't commit movie with a patina of Garden State to make is seem worthwhile. I had no idea how right she was until last night. In fact, she's not enough close to being right.

This movie is crap. Absolute, fucking crap. So little in this movie is genuine. And I realize that some people would tell me that asking for something genuine from Hollywood is asking too much. Listen, those people, something like that is pretty much all a movie like this has going for it. Something genuine, something true to life that the audience can connect to. Not something that the 14 year-old girls sitting behind me who had never been out in public before, much less to a movie before (Audible stage gasp "Do you think he's going to? Omigawd, he did!"), would swoon over. There were multiple points during this movie that I reached over to grab my purse and leave, remembered that I was with three other people, and settled for a full-on eye roll instead.

Most notable point? The fucking narration at the beginning of the movie. Does it ever reappear? Nope. Not a once. Is it in anyway necessary? Not really. Most of that could have been worked in as exposition, and the rest would have worked better as part of the dialogue that occurs later in the movie. Instead, you have to suffer through its "feeling"-ness. Shut up, shut up, Paul Haggis. You are making me sorry I ever touted the genius of Million Dollar Baby. I hope you are happy with yourself. Knowing you are involved with Clint Eastwood's latest movie is making me reconsider seeing it as well.

Shut up about women. Apparently, there are only slutty, shrewish and/or pathetic women in your world. My world is a bit more diverse, but let's look at yours for now. 98% of women, and I'm being generous to you here, Paul, 98% would walk away when they found out the object of their affection had a girlfriend. Esp. if they learn that fact at the first meeting. Don't get me wrong -- Michael misleads Kim in a lot of ways, but he cops to that one pretty quick. Their every interaction after that fact comes off as false. This is largely based in the way Kim in written and in the fact that Bilson doesn't have the acting chops to redeem her in anyway, but everything out of Kim's mouth and all her actions were so pathetic and unconnected to way that real women act as to be a farce.

Shut up about men while you are at it. If you want to see an example of men's relationships done well, watch any episode of Rescue Me. That show, too, short-changes women, but it nails male interaction bar none. As much as I have enjoyed Braff if the past, he, too, doesn't have the chops to rise above the mediocrity he is surrounded by. Mind you, he's not so bad since he gets to play pretty much the only fully fleshed character in the movie, but it's still pretty sucky.

Can I tell you guys something? I loves me some Casey Affleck. I want him to be my boyfriend. He's broody without being dark (a rare feat), and Chris is a grown-up who makes decisions and lives with their consequences. Because I am old, I find that dreamy.

To be honest with you, I mostly wished that Affleck and Wilkinson had a better movie to be in. I hope they find one. D-