Transformers (2007)

Story: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf)'s father buys him an used Camaro, which turns out not to be a car at all. At the same time, an unknown entity is attempting to hack into the Pentagon's archives for files having to do with Sam's explorer grandfather. The same entity attacks a platoon stationed in the Middle East, and the survivors (among them Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson) struggle to contact the Pentagon with what they know.

You know, if that didn't make a lot of sense, I'm not sure what I can do about. For a movie two and a half hours long, it's a little light on what insiders like you and I like to call "plot." It's also a little light on things like "internal logic" and "sense, making." That's okay, though, as director Michael Bay sure as hell knows his way around an action set piece. Together with some tight editing, he makes the lengthy running a lot easier on the viewer.

The movie is aided in no small part by LaBeouf's hyperactive performance as our erstwhile human hero, Spike. His energy and obvious fun in making the picture spills out to the other actors and into nearly each scene. Too bad it couldn't ignite love interest Megan Fox's dead eyed performance. Mind you, if I was saddled with that junior porn star wardrobe, I don't know how invested I'd be in giving the green screen my all either.

Now, you might be wondering, "Didn't I see John Turturro and/or Jon Voight in the previews? What's that about?" The answers are: Yes and yes. I have no idea and not much. Anthony Anderson is also around, and I think we all know how much he rocks (short answer: a lot), but he doesn't get nearly enough screen time to make any number of things add up.

All in all, it's a good thing Bay keeps it moving as well as he does, as I only paused to ask a handful of questions while it was rolling. Afterwards, dozens started to pop up. You're better off not asking questions at all. You're spoiling the fun, and what fun it is. Also, if I were into obnoxious novelty cell phone ring tones, I would totally get Hugo Weaving as Megatron intoning, "Prime." C+