Noah (2014)

Hey, were you ever reading the Biblical account of Noah and thought to yourself, "You know, this story could be improved by . . . "

• Noah as a crazed vegan and environmentalist on a murder spree?
• Barbarian hordes?
• Giant rock monster-angels?
• Magic snake skins?
• Methuselah serving psychedelic tea?
• Ham's horny teenaged shenanigans?

BUT did you get to the part where Noah gets drunk and passes out naked, and his sons are like, "Gross, Dad" and think, "Now we're talking!" 

Then has Darren Aronofsky got a movie for you!

I don't really have anything else to say about this movie. It's Aronofsky, so it looks stunning, and I dig all prehistoric CGI animals (one of them had scales made of bark!).

But Russell Crowe plays the most dour Noah imaginable. He also ages a good 20 to 30 years over the course of the movie while his wife, Jennifer Connelly, looks exactly the same from beginning to end.

Mostly -- strangely -- it's about how Ham (Logan Lerman) really wants to get laid, world-ending-deluge be damned. I guess you could say it's a movie about the practical difficulties of faith and interpreting the will of God, about knowing who to trust when they say that they know the will of God, and about seeing your way through disaster for the promise of brighter future.

But mostly it's about how Ham's kind of a d-bag, and Noah's entire family should learn to recognize the opportunity to tie up a psycho killer when they have it.

 

World War Z (2013)

Brad Pitt, Abigail Hargrove, and Mireille Enos

© Paramount Pictures

Turns out that if you are looking for an example of Hollywood's sexist attitude toward women, particularly in action movies, you need only cast your eyes back to last month's release of World War Z.

Poor Mireille Enos. By now everyone knows that the original ending of this movie was scrapped, and massive rewrites drastically changed its content. But since the other ending would have been pretty damn sexist, too, we might as well stick to what's made it to the screen.

So here's what we get: in exchange for keeping his family safe and fed, Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) has to go back to work as a UN investigator to help put an end to the zombie apocalypse. While it's natural to not want to be separated in a time of crisis, his wife Karin (Enos) objects on the grounds that the job is too hard on Gerry.

I mean, women, am I right? Always nagging you to not go out there and save the world, thereby ensuring that your daughters can grow up without getting eaten by zombies. You know, if you can even survive that long. Because what about your feeeeelingsssssss?

Before you start to object that that is just one scene, it also includes her very passive-aggressively remarking that she will be the one to keep their family safe (because, again, ending the zombie apocalypse and provide them with safe passage until that end is totally the opposite of keeping one's family safe). And that would be the sum total of her scenes, unless you also want to count the time that she calls Gerry at the exact wrong moment, inciting a zombie attack. AmIrite?

By way of not-actually-achieving balance, the movie does feature another central, strong female character. She gets to occupy a role traditionally held by a man and by styled like a man as well. It kind of feels like a zero sum game.

I don't know. There's a fantastic opening sequence, where the whole world just goes crazy and you don't know why, and you run, run, run, trying to survive. But after that, the movie just deflates. Gerry flies around picking up clues (thanks, Michiel Huisman! Come back to Nashville soon!), and I'm sort of in love with the 10th man rule, but the resolution is so boring and abrupt that it's hard to believe it's happening, even as Peter Capaldi assures me it is.

It's just . . . alright, spoilers, you guys. If you had a pen and multiple pieces of paper, and you were about to inject yourself with a deadly virus because you have no play left but to test your theory that zombies don't bite the dying, and you wrote a message to hold up to the security camera, would you write, "Tell my family I love them"? Or would you write what you were taking and the dosage? Because it strikes me that a personal message is some page 2 stuff.

This whole movie is page 2 stuff.

The Avengers (2012)

Thor and Captain America

© Marvel

I gave The Avengers a second chance.

Yeah, that's right: second. I thought it was merely okay the first time around, but some smart people convinced me that I was missing something, so I did it again. Verdict? It's very good, but I wouldn't go further than that in part because you basically don't have the space to develop that many distinct characters in an ensemble piece whose main goal is kicking ass and in part because some characters, no matter who you get to play them, will never lend themselves to character development (yes, Hulk, we're talking about you). I'm going to skip talking about all the delicious Whedon-verse-ism, though, because that's been done, and better, in about 1 million other places.

I was, however, thoroughly enthralled by what they had going on with Captain America, right down to the make-up and wardrobe choices. He's so alien to them; so different in his approach to how and Why We Fight that ends up standing out far more than the actual aliens. If he seemed (intentionally, I would wager) flat in Captain America, then he comes into sharp relief here. He never needed as much push as the rest of them to do the right thing, but he needs a lot of help to figure out what the right thing is these days (or if it even matters). Plus he gets to be part of one of my fave visual gags. Well played, Chris Evans.

Well played to . . . pretty much everyone, let's be honest. I love The Hemsworth (though I seriously considered calling in a Wig Cop on that thing) (also, he got to deliver what might have been my actual favourite joke of the movie, so good for him); I love The Buffalo and his Peter Falk impersonation; I love, love, love Robert Downey Jr. (especially as Tony Stark); I don't understand why people have a problem with ScarJo in the role; I especially don't understand why people have a problem with Jeremy Renner (it's not his fault his character was in a coma for half the running time). Besides, if anyone was having a breakout movie, it was Tom Hiddleston, so clearly relishing the narrow pettiness of his particular goal. Will we ever not fall for that? Solid B+.

P.S. I do feel bad for Cobie Smoulders, as I don't think anyone had a kind word to say about her in the role or even about the role's existence. Probably because it was flatter than flat.

P.P.S Those aren't shawarmas.

Pop Culture Round Up: June 19 - July 2

Video Games - 3-D Without Glasses

The Tony Kushner "Angels in America" effect

Night of the Living Wonks

Chinese reporters schooled in news manipulation

Ivan Vasiliev: rocket man

Five Reasons Why Moving the Oscars to January Is a Good Idea

Maslow’s Pyramid Gets a Makeover

Brace for Impact — It’s Action Movie Season

Copy-Editing the Culture: Grown Ups

Fans Can Expect Lots of Skin – and Sex! – in Breaking Dawn

The Star Market - The Vulture
Taking over from the Fame Index, are we? Man, I still miss Fametracker.

The revealing truth about modern burlesque

The secrets of "Psycho's" shower scene

Are Hollywood actors saving their best for the stage?

Where have all the protest songs gone?

FIGHTING WITH TEENAGERS: A COPYRIGHT STORY

Gossip Girl Gets a Premiere Date

A Maxim a Day Keeps Bad Feelings Away

Zombieland (2009)

My review of Zombieland went live today over on (Cult)ure as part of Horror Week. Because it's a review and not whatever it is that I do here (or don't do here, given how little I've posted in the last year), there are things I left out. Nitpicky things, naturally; some spoilery things, and you know how spoiler adverse I am. But since that's the review and this is the blog, and since the movie came out almost a month ago, let's discuss those things here, shall we? Consider this the annotated review.

• Eventually they meet up with two resourceful sisters, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin.

Stone and Breslin are both winning as a pair of grifters, although the fact that they were grifters was so obvious from the word "go" that I was a little surprised at how stupid Eisenberg and Harrelson would have to be to fall for it. Also, because Stone is hot and approximately Eisenberg's character's age, there's a romantic interest there. Harrelson's character alternatively encourages Eisenberg or obliviously cockblocks, which is funny either way. I found it hard to believe, however, that a man who has obviously been alone and celibate for several months wouldn't even notice an attractive, prospective partner. Not that I wanted to watch an Eisenberg-Stone-Harrelson love triangle or to see Harrelson get creepy on Stone, but still, a throwaway "I'd hit it" is all I ask in the name of realism. Yes, zombies = not real, but the best of these movies put believable characters in extraordinary circumstances.

• Though the narration is oppressive early in the film -- when Eisenberg is the only character on screen
  

By "oppressive," I mean damn near omnipresent. In the PC round up I just published this morning (again, whoops), I link to an AV Q&A entirely because of Steven Heisler's answer. The one cliché he would do away with? "Almost all narrators or voiceovers in films." Ah, a kindred. When you only have one character, do you really need a non-stop monologue to go with him? Do you think viewers are incapable of interpreting what they see? I recommend you watch the first seven minutes of season four of Supernatural, which were nearly dialogue free, entertaining, and even suspenseful.

• Eisenberg's performance consists largely of his best Michael Cera impersonation.

I feel kind of bad for Eisenberg as he's older than Cera and quite possibly invented that particular comic delivery (props Madison for pinpointing who Eisenberg reminded me of), and, while there is a small novelty of seeing someone other than Cera do it, it's started to wear thin for even him. Hope he finds some other hook.

• Harrelson makes a delightfully badass roughneck.

He's the ninja version of a roughneck. It's completely silly, but it also suggests that would make an excellent action hero in the John McClane mold (more ordinary guy than super agent).

• The movie derives a surprising amount of mileage from [Harrelson's] ingenious killing techniques.

What the movie does not do is explain why each killing implement is abandoned as soon as it is used. It's always distracting in movies and on TV shows when someone uses a weapon and promptly tosses it while running away since that all but guarantees that the weapon will be needed again. Obviously that's not the case here (zombies stay dead), but it's still distracting. It could be that the zombie blood will infect Harrelson, but that's never made clear enough to know the reasoning for certain.

• It's not the performances, however, that make the movie so good.

I specifically wrote this line because my editor initially added a line about how the performance made this movie good despite the thin plot. While he was right that the initial draft needed rewriting, he was wrong about that point. The performances are good -- the movie overall is well cast -- but that's not why it's so laugh out loud funny.

• It's the off-beat "rules" Eisenberg's invented for survival and particularly the movie's illustration of said rules.

No, seriously. Not only is the soccer mom running from little girl zombies, they're little girl zombies dressed as princesses. That shit is priceless. And, as you can see, unrelated to the performances of the main players. It's all about direction (including set and art direction) and writing here.

• First time feature director Ruben Fleischer owes a debt to Shaun of the Dead (which he sort of acknowledges)

Which he also sort of makes fun of in having Eisenberg explain not to be stingy with bullets (the double tap) by cracking that it's not a cricket bat. They had to improvise!

Nitpicky as I am, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. It's funny as all get out, and, though I am not good with horror, I do love a good dose of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! B+

Pop Culture Round Up: April 4 - 17

I had one ready for last Friday, but I didn't have time to publish. Ah, well, I'll do better soon.

Are there still young critics? Okay, I know the answer to that, so I hope the answer is soon.

This is going to be great.

I haven't made up my mind if that's kind of awesome or just Neil LaBute's woman-hating fault.

Didn't we learn anything from Eternal Sunshine?

YAY! I will happily stay home Saturday nights for The Piemaker.

Number 10's probably my favourite even though I'm pretty sure it takes place over one day.

Mapping the Cultural Buzz: How Cool Is That?

It's like Golden Girls starring men.

I think it makes us feel like we're all hanging in there, and we're all in it together.

Heh. Yup, that's all.

I rocked it, and so can you. It may surprise you to learn that I rocked this one even harder.

I hope Harry Hamlin gets a cameo.

I am so confused by this news. It seems antithetical.

It's kind of Apocalyptic, but I like it.

More returned art!

I believe it.

We should should what, exactly? Stop making disaster movies in order to protect children's imaginations? Your point is beyond me, Lisa Kennedy.

Aw, yeah. Covering his werewolf and now his vampire bases. I hope zombies are up soon.

You're not the only ones left wondering what this means for next season.

“I’m reading it going, ‘Really, we’re going to put fucking shark in Jason’s spine and he thinks it’s going to work?’ ”

"The story is allegedly a loose retelling of the 16th U.S. president's life story — embellished with the notion that he is also a highly skilled vampire slayer." Yes. I love it.

While I'm pretty sure that Julian would be dead, I'd still watch it.

"Turns out, Milton was more rebellious and politically left than I realized. He was a risk-taker. He was arrested and imprisoned. Thanks, in part, to Andrew Marvell, he barely escaped a death sentence." Dudes, Milton. Milton. Can you believe it?

Hip-hop theatre! That excites me.

It's the movie choices that save it.

I don't know how they do it, but the tie-in products continue to be genius.

Pop Culture Round Up: March 7 - 13

Because they feared Liam Neeson coming after them?

I rocked this thing.

That would be cool, but how would you find out about new shows? Channel surfing is still important.

Yay! I think I am okay with this. You`re welcome.

Wow, do I ever want to read this now. There`s so much I`m missing out on! This, too!

While I am quite excited that David Edelstein is blogging again, this addition so threw me that I don`t recall even finishing the sentence. What?

I finally got around to watching this, and it looks great.

Let`s go!

I hope so!

This is beautiful.

Is it me, or is there something wonky with Lenin`s eyes?

Why must this be so ridiculous?

Ha!

Really? Okay.

Is there?

This is the best thing I read all week.

Pop Culture Round Up: February 14 - 20

Sort of a slow week if you want to read something other than Oscar coverage.

"Americans have developed an admirable fondness for books, food, and music that preprocess other cultures. But for all our enthusiasm, have we lost our taste for the truly foreign?"

I'm a little sick of this.

Oh, c'mon. This is just too much. It's on purpose, I am sure of it.

Mystery solved!

I'm pretty sure the answer is, "Maybe?"

If you think about which you have gone without longer, the results seem obvious.

Now that is a tradition worth remembering.

First a bidding war over Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and now this? This is what happens when copyright can't protect you anymore.

Three does make a trend.

Type fonts are cool, and so is his photo.

Heh. I'm often outraged by the same thing.

Holy crap! That makes sense, and it's probably an unsinkable series, but seriously, what is the matter with that studio? Will they hire Catherine back? Will they hire me? It's my favourite of the books!

Pop Culture Round Up: February 7-13

BAFTA winners.

WGA winners.

Criticism in crisis: why review?

Sad. Peel her a grape, angels.

Yeah, we were written before, people. Totally not cashing in.

I wouldn't normally link to a list like this, but some of my favourites are on it.

Tell 'em, Emma!

Ah, Dana. That closing paragraph is why I love you.

What the hell? How have I been missing this?

Six? Did we see the same movie?

"One year later, the evidence is clear: The WGA strike crippled the film and TV biz."

Aw.

Orchestras inspired by Soloist to do good deeds. Aww.

I find that his friend at the screening does a better job of explicating why The Reader shouldn't win than Ron Rosenbaum does for the majority of the article though I agree that the character lacks any real show of remorse.

Important question.

Isn't the book not due out until April, though? At any rate, they should hire me. I would rock that shit.

That would be a difficult list to create.

Whoa. I can't even imagine.

Does anyone just feel 'meh' about him at this point? Also, the topic seems a little uninspired. Wouldn't something about rounding up certain key players in the Iraq war for war crimes be a more exciting, left-wing topic?

Here's two ideas you don't see together every day: William Shatner ballet.

All these new ideas are . . . not worrying, exactly. Questionable. Yes, I have questions. How will I know who designed the dress unless some interchangeable E! host asks the starlet?

All of this just really makes me love her more. Please, please write a tell all. I would pre-order that mother.

Woman after my own heart.

I don't usually make a point of linking to these things as I would end up linking to them every freakin' week, but I found this one in particular to vibrate with a love of film. I find that Scott Tobias gets that way when he writes about Soderbergh, and it makes me wish he would write a book about him.

Aw, don't blame yourself, James. Either he's crazy or he's an idiot, but you're not responsible for either. You are a wonderful director.

Pop Culture Round Up: January 24 - 30

Who, pray tell, is being mocked? Your career?

What the? I don't care if Jennifer Saunders is involved, this thing is fishy. When my friend introduced me to the show, she told me that it was about a pair of aging hippies and trying to be career women but still hippies. Plus they're alcoholics. Does America find functional alcoholics funny?

Criticism in crisis reactions: Oh, no! I'm lazy!

They hired a new critic? Insanity!

For every action . . .

And a criticism defense!

"Film critics and scholars have a tumultuous relationship with a system that is meant to help guide readers but may also encourage some to skip the review entirely."

"The intellectual author's copious diaries record her struggles with a domineering father, her stultifying stint in the court of George III, her controversial marriage to a Catholic escapee from the French Revolution." Saucy stuff!

Ooo, another door! A flood door, but still.

"The most brilliant thing to happen to Jane Austen’s novels since … well, ever." I must have this book.

Don Draper makes ice cream!

That's too bad.

What, what?! This just might be awesome.

Holy Moses. Mind you, if I had that actor in the role, I might be wary of including an certain predilection as well.

This hurts a little.

Yes! I have been saying this for years.

Hmm. Good question. I'm pretty sure awesome movie is still the answer.

Heh. Although what he says is, "You followin' me, camera guy?", which is even better.

"As the number of possessions grew, so did the concept of ‘taste’, a subtle and elusive yardstick by which people advertised their social position and sensibilities."

"Comics actually are jazz." I can't say that occurred to me before.

I can't imagine one actor who could play him, much less two.

Hey, they did something nice!

Aww, don't take away old peoples' TVs!

SAG winners.

PGA winners.

Pop Culture Round-Up: January 10 - 16

Criticism in crisis is back in full force: LA Weekly's theatre critic shifts to "Critic-At-Large" [shudder], and LA's Daily Breeze has dropped their theatre critic as well. Is there no theatre in LA? That doesn't sound right.

But what if you are in the target demo, and you don't watch any of those shows? Who's targeting me?

What? Do I really have to reconsider my slight obsession with returned Nazi art? Mind, I would like there to be some sort of condition that requires the art to be donated to a period of time to the museum of the rightful owners choice. Being too poor to go around buying expensive art, I never saw the point of keeping it locked away.

I'm not looking forward to many of these. Surely 2009 has more to offer?

Adieu.

That's true -- what did happen there?

There should be more rapping about that show.

When Gossip Girl asked us on Monday, "Does anyone remember Georgina?", the correct answer was, "Yes, the writers." Girl better get hooked up with Agnes and stir that shit up.

"A couple of songs this year, we wanted to do particular styles, like a club tune, and we wanted to do a West Side Story-type musical song." I can only hope this leads to the return of angry dancing, which is only a step away from dance fighting.

Pretty much anyone associated with Supernatural already has a good reputation with me.

People, do not deny yourselves Slumdog Millionaire. Even if you don't like it.

What the hell? That's a mistake. This, however, is not. Actually, it might be. If Spider-Man 3 taught me anything, it's that having multiple villains doesn't always work. Mind you, it worked just fine for Batman Returns.

I am going to see this one.

There's nothing about this that isn't funny.

For our tough economic times.

Huh, what? Actually, I think that's alright.

Ooo, I think I might like that. Of course, I'd like it a lot better if the stupid fuckers at the alphabet network weren't such stupid fuckers to begin with.

Oh, what the hell? Grow up, Parents Television Council.

I'm not sure how exciting a LINCOLN SMASH-less TV season will be, but I'm okay.

Yay! But why isn't it about Eric?

I'm all about 2, 7, 14, 15, and 17. As for five, it's occurred to me recently that it might be a better soundtrack than it is a movie.

GAH! Is there nothing this man can't or doesn't do? I'm beginning to think that he thinks that he's Peter the Great reborn.

Phew.

Okay, I've keep silent over this one because when your favourite (living) actor quits acting, it's little like your (movie) boyfriend breaking up with you from out of nowhere. I had some stages of grief to go through. I'm (mostly) okay with it now. He remains a prime candidate for my burgeoning celebrity interventionist* career with news like this, though. What kind of crap friend is Casey? He doesn't stop him from going out in public looking like Vincent Gallo, and he can't even be bothered to help him figure out right from left.

'Tis the season:

LAFCA winners.

BAFTA nominees.

Golden Tomato Awards.

*N.B.: This isn't for the type of problem that would land you on Intervention. We deal with more celebrity-specific issues like how to style your hair for public viewing, considering pants, and, apparently, when to keep your dreams of becoming a rapper to yourself.

Pop Culture Round Up: December 13 - 19

Zombie romances and rock'n'roll vampires? Sign me up!

Yay! Who's up for a road trip?

That just seems silly. If you're getting paid, what's the point?

I'm telling you, it follows me around! This one appeared in an email that I was legitimately forwarded at work. And someone sent me this one. Good points, though.

I remain dubious.

Excellent. I can think of a good number of movies that would be improved by drinking.

Gak!

Could our criticism in crisis series be drawing to a close or is this an anomaly?

That makes sense.

Sure, if you live in the U.S.

Aw. Well, maybe. Nah, it's Rudd and Segel. Aw.

This is news?

I'd go to that.

Is that it? Really? Should I feel bad?

Sad.

'Tis the season:

The Guardian's most ridiculous plots.

There's always one.

Toronto Film Critics Association Awards.

AV Club's Year in Film. And their worst of the year. And a bonus crosstalk! I've missed crosstalks.

SAG nominees.

Sunshine (2007)

Brief: A team of astronauts and scientists (Cliff Curtis, Cillian Murphy, Michelle Yeoh, Hiroyuki Sanada, Rose Byrne, Benedict Wong, Chris Evans, and Troy Garrity) are sent on a last hope mission to restart the dying sun.

No, really. There's not much more to the plot than that. I mean, I could run through what everyone does specifically, but I'm not sure about a couple of them.

To be honest, I didn't think I was going to bother with this movie, as the trailer I had repeatedly seen had nothing else in mind than making a crappy movie seem better than it was. That's hardly a ringing endorsement. Then the reviews came in, and they were mostly positive. Then someone said, "Might as well," and I thought, "Why not?" After all, I liked what Murphy, screenwriter Alex Garland, and director Danny Boyle did with zombies. And I don't even like horror movies.

While I did catch a few references to 2001, I was more tuned in to the refs to the Heroes eclipse/eye and the Flight of the Conchord's "Bowie's in Space." I'm not sure either one of those were intentional, and I especially doubt that Boyle, who wanted the golden spacesuits to be memorable, wanted me to start singing.

More than anything, though, this movie put me in mind of another deeply personal (partial) space epic: The Fountain. Rather than test the bounds of love and subsequent devotion as did Aronofsky, Boyle and Garland instead test the individual's fidelity to a cause. They set up a contrast between the crews of the Icarus I and II, pitting at first the desires of the individual against the salvation of humanity and slowly pared it down to an one-on-one showdown.

While Aronofsky used his triptych to bind together a bewitching, if befuddling, love story that spanned the ages, Boyle and Garland tell their story straight, giving ample time to their supporting characters (particularly to a well tuned performance by Evans). Even so, Murphy's Capa is the only character whose motivations, dreams, and personal life get any real attention. It's on the strength of his performance and character development that this movie succeeds.

You know, I felt like I knew what I was getting myself into when I walked into the theatre. For the most part, I was right. But even with the easy to read plot, this movie still had a few surprises. Good for it. B

28 Days Later . . . (2002)

Idea: Four weeks after a mysterious, incurable virus ravages the UK, Jim (Cillian Murphy) wakes up from a coma with no knowledge of what has occurred. London is pillaged and deserted, but he eventually meets others survivors. He and Selena (Naomie Harris) meet Frank (Brendan Gleeson) and his daughter, Hannah (Megan Burns). Together, they set out to find the source of a radio broadcast promising sanctuary for survivors.

It's a rare day when I sit down and watch an entire horror movie. So, if you are in to this sort of thing, get happy.

No matter what anyone may think of the hundreds of flicks I've seen, I've got no stomach for gore. The first few moments of this movie are spent establishing how the population became infected, which involves a Primate Research Institute, some animal activists, and projectile vomited blood. Trust me when I tell you I've not given anything away there. It happens a lot. Pint upon pint of vomited blood.

So, when all this was going down, I didn't think I was going to make it. I got up off the couch, headed towards my pretty red DVD player, set on ejecting this crap on out of there and into the nearest mailbox.

But then I remembered that this movie came highly recommended from two sources: Emily and Strangelove. He may not be my professor anymore, but I couldn't let them both down, could I?

So I stuck it out. Besides the vomited blood, director Danny Boyle and screenwriter Alex Garland don't really focus on the gore, which made the experience easier on me.

To be honest with you, I don't know what the big deal is about either. I've never read The Beach, but the Boyle-helmed adaptation of Garland's novel didn't really do it for me. While it is horribly maligned, A Life Less Ordinary isn't the best thing I've ever seen. And Shallow Grave? No, never again.

As the days passed since viewing, I mentally listed the things I wanted to comment on. I've come to realize that I sort of saw two movies: one about zombies, and one of those "violence to end violence" movies that just happens to have involved zombies. To talk about both, there's likely going to be spoilers ahead. Deal with it.

I don't recommend the one about zombies. First off, if the fictional British government hadn't been so busy telegraphing their nefarious schemes to the public, maybe they wouldn't have had this problem in the first place. I mean, Primate Research Institute? Could you be more obvious? Of course the activists are going to bust up in there!

Idiots.

Mind you, I was long ago convinced via some PETA-like documentary that the British take animal cruelty far too seriously. These cows were being trucked to a slaughter house, and some deranged protestor commented that seeing their eyes through the little grates was reminiscent of the pictures of Jews being taken away to concentration camps during WWII. Honestly, that's what she said.

Okay, I realize that she's just one person and not representative of the whole, but you get the idea, right? Anyway, I thought about this when the activists were "freeing" the primates in question, and I couldn't stop thinking about what a moronic move that was. Document it and protest and get people jailed, sure. But just releasing chimps into their absolutely non-natural habitat of England without at least finding out what was going on? That's how you end up with your flesh eaten and your blood infected, blood-vomit lady.

I promise to get down off my soap box very soon.

The second part of the zombie movie that made absolutely no sense was how quickly Major Henry West (Christopher Eccleston) divulged his very own nefarious scheme: an evil breeding plan! I mean, he couldn't wait a day to gain these people's trust, or see when his chained zombie would die of starvation, or, I don't know, ask the ladies to be part of your breeding plan? Plus, if you don't keep track of who was with whom and when, you won't know who fathered which kid, and thus you will be unable to prevent possible incest in succeeding generations. Then you end up with a bunch of people who look like Joseph Fiennes.

Now onto the other movie, the much better one. Violence to end violence movies are a difficult breed. When done well, they are exceptional, thoughtful, and thought-provoking pieces like Unforgiven. When they're not, they come off as beautiful but flawed sermonizing like Road to Perdition.The latter and this film may have come out in the same year, but this one hit the box office a good two weeks earlier. It's the better of two, I can tell you that.

While I'm not quite yet sold on Murphy as an actor, Jim's transformation during the movie was compelling and realistic. At first he cannot bring himself to defend himself against zombies who want to eat his flesh (at least not without a heaping helping of remorse afterwards), but little by little he finds enough resolve to kill (or at least let die) an entire troop of living men for trying to hurt the only people he feels connected to. Between Murphy, Boyle, and Garland, they give Jim enough nuance to make this metamorphisis both understandable and unsettling, without ever letting it dehumanize their lead.

Well played, boys.

As for the other players, Gleeson needs to stop giving me the impression that he's in every movie, Harris and Burns rock it pretty hard, and Eccleston hereby graduates from being known to me as "Poor man's Ralph Fiennes" to being his very own person. He's scary, he's endearing, he's everywhere, and I didn't even know.

Besides, Ralph Fiennes kind of sucks at being Ralph Fiennes sometimes, doesn't he? Let's give Eccelston some more English Patient-y roles, and let him make the ladies swoon, shall we?

A million words (give or take) later, and I still haven't gotten to the best part of either film. This movie contains the most inventive, beautiful, haunting, and despair filled cinematography I have ever seen. Ever. If Anthony Dod Mantle isn't rolling in it, I'll never understand why. I can't even begin to describe the way he perfectly frames every single shot. At first I thought he was over doing it with the long/tracking shots of Jim wandering through an abandoned London, but he later revealed that it was all part of a larger plan as he slowly switched to tighter and tighter close-ups while Jim gained control over his situation.

Here's to you, Mantle. You exist unparalleled in my mind.

I'd like to give these two movies two different grades, yet they are one and the same. Garland and Boyle may have decided to ignore glaring plot holes and moronic plot contrivances, but I cannot. B

Back to the real business of blogging: find something funnier than you, and linking to it. Enjoy!

I (Heart) Huckabees (2004)

Summary: Albert Markovski (Jason Schwartzman) hires existential detectives Bernard (Dustin Hoffman) and Vivian (Lily Tomlin) Jaffe to solve his coincidence involving Mr. Nimieri (Ger Duany). The Jaffes realize that Albert's problem has much more to do with Hukabees' (think Walmart) golden boy Brad Stand (Jude Law) and Brad's girlfriend, Hukabees spokesperson, Dawn Campbell (Naomi Watts). The Jaffes also introduce Albert to another client, Tommy Corn (Mark Wahlberg), a fire fighter trying to sort out his feelings about "that September thing". Tommy introduces Albert to nihilism via former Jaffe client Caterine Vauban (Isabelle Huppert).

Yes, it is that complex and involved. That's the point. Or part of it, anyway.

Although this movie fits together seamlessly and likely is David O. Russell's (co-writer/director) best work to date, I live to hear certain line readings in a movie like this. I want Dawn to ask Brad, "You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you?"

I want Brad to ask the Jaffes, "How am I not myself?", so they can repeat the question over and over again as though its meaning will reveal itself that way.

I want Vivian and Albert to have this exchange:
V: Have you ever trascended space and time?
A: No. Yes. Uh, time not space. [beat] I have no idea what you are talking about.

I want Tommy to announce that he's going to go off and become even more empty and alone and meaningless on his own.

Perhaps most of all, I want Albert to read his poem which contains the line, "You rock, rock."

I realize that it seems like I just gutted the movie, but the reality is that I haven't even given anything away. Besides you really need to see all the action surrounding these lines to get their full effect. Russell and co-author Jeff Baena's film is an assault on the senses but in the very best way. You have to laugh because it's too absurd not to.

I've been trying to figure out where to start with all the different wonderful players in this piece, and there really is no good place. In direct accordance with the screenplay, everyone and everything is linked.

I really had no idea that Wahlberg has such a keen sense of comedic timing. I think this is the best thing he has ever done.

I love the Jaffes, from Hoffman's bowl cut to Tomlin's wardrobe to the way they seem psychically linked and destined to twirl through life together.

I love Albert's work with the Open Spaces Coalition, and his struggle for control in the face of Brad and Huckabees. This movie offers another example of the kind of role I want to see my "mortal enemy" in. He makes an excellent souless, corporate zombie, who gets a perverse thrill from taking the symbolic power away from a man that has no real power anyway.

Oh, man. I'm trying figure out how to sum up what I just saw or even what I just wrote, but there really is no way to do it. Once you suspend your disbelief and get into this world, you're done for. On the other hand, it's a mistake not to. A+

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Idea: Shaun (Simon Pegg) finally wakes up from his intense self-involvement to realize that he's lost his girlfriend, Liz (Kate Ashfield), has no relationship with his step father, Philip (Bill Nighy), or his mother, Barbara (Penelope Wilton), and lives with the biggest slacker known to man, Ed (Nick Frost). Of course, the day he realizes this is also the day he realizes his community is being attacked by flesh eating zombies, so he's got some other stuff to deal with as well.

Oh, man. I wanted to see this movie when it came out, but I'm not very good with gore. Zombie movies always have gore, even if they are terrific comedies with stellar ensemble casts, so I shyed away.

Don't make the same mistake! Gory and gross - yes. Hilarious - also yes. Good times were had by all.

Sure, Simon Pegg (yes, Shaun was the co-writer, which explains his fantastic character) and Edgar Wright's (writer and director - fancy that) set up was a year and a half long, but it was well worth it to see how completely oblivious Shaun could be to zombies. Honestly, you'd think that they all move so slowly that you couldn't miss them, but Shaun sure could. Endless comedy right there.

I was disappointed in myself, though, that I didn't recognize anyone but Nighy and Wilton. The cast was good and worked so well with each other and off each other that I know I've been missing out.

There's very little to comment on besides how funny it is. Of course, I don't think it was meant to be anything more than funny, and Wright carries it all off with a wonderful sense of "I don't care what you think."

I'm wondering how important that is in a director. You need that feeling to a certain extent but not too much, or you will alienate your audience. Now, I can think of some directors who might not care if the audience doesn't understand their "work", but it's their job to make something at least partially palatable, so they should just suck it up.

Which is what this is, despite watching bodies get ripped apart. Immensely palatable. B+